Enough... in Life as I know it...

I am feeling so terribly lonely today. Every day it just becomes more apparent to me that I have 0 friends. My phone hasn't made a sound in days, not that I was expecting it to. Ugh, this sucks. My days are usually just fine until late afternoon, but at around 3pm I start to feel so lonely and bored. I am starting to become numb again. How can I change things? Where the hell do I meet people? I feel so pathetic. I'm the guy with no friends, who sits by himself all day and has nobody to talk to or share things with. I've always been a loner, never really part of any group, but for the last few years the only people I have interacted with are the members of my family that I am still in touch with (basically my stepmom, stepsister and dad), people from work and the check-out guy/lady at the supermarket. Oh and my psychiatrist and psychologist of course. I haven't even bothered to send any messages to any friends on fb, because they are usually just met with silence, or that they just want to go out and drink or go to some shitty trance party.

The thought of actually having a friend has become so foreign to me. Even though I really do like my private time and spending time by myself, I am yearning for and craving social interaction, acceptance, affection and friendship. Sometimes I just sit and cry, because I have absolutely nobody to talk to. Is it because I am a douchebag? Is there something about me that other people just don't like? I just don't know how to fix this. I can't even see myself with a group of friends in my mind, present or future. I just want somebody to talk to, somebody who I can spend time with and do things with. Somebody who has similar interests and enjoys some of the things that I do. Only 2 more weeks until work starts and then I will have something to distract me. Maybe I can even meet some cool people.

My dad has taken the 6 hour journey today to go visit my brother for the first time since he has been locked away. I'm not sure how I feel about this, because I don't think he deserves to see anybody to be honest. I hate the idea that he is going to try to make my dad feel sorry for him and that he will even turn on the waterworks. Argh, he is such a disgusting, dirty, waste of money, air, space and a life. He doesn't deserve it. He's not worth the petrol money my dad has spent to drive all the way there. He is not worth the effort. He is not worth the time my dad has taken out of his life to go see him with. A piece of snail shit deserves more than he does. He is the lowest of the low and I am ashamed to be related to him. He deserves to die alone, besides, the doctors told us that somebody with his meth use don't often see past the age of 30. He's dead to me already and has been for quite some time. The master manipulator has nobody left to manipulate, except probably my mom. She just loooooves the words that come out of his mouth and thinks that the sun shines out of his prostitute, STD covered arse. She is the ultimate codependent and he is the ultimate dependent. A match made in heaven, thank God I got the hell out of there. I think that's enough for now.

Have a lovely day everyone.

Adriaan