Weight Lifted in Current Events

I just finished the conversation that I had been dreading for the longest time. The one with my brother in law about me moving out this year. There are no hard feelings and I knew that. I had anxiety about him confronting me about my finances because I was so close to bankruptcy when they took me in and I had it in my mind that he felt that I should be ready to buy a house by now. That was not the case at all. He just wanted to know that I was not in debt and the truth is… I am not in debt. For the first time in my life, I actually have money in my savings. Plenty of it! I could travel, I could buy something really expensive and stupid but nope. I have everything that I need right now and nothing that I don’t. I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t want to ruin it just yet.
I feel like a weight has been lifted, getting his blessing to move on. My roots in this city are not deep but this one is the deepest. My niece was a game changer. It is going to be so hard to leave her. They were at a Christmas work party this evening and I babysat her and got her ready for bed. I hadn’t done that in forever. We cleaned her room, brushed her teeth and I read her some bedtime stories. When I closed the door behind me she started to cry because she missed her mother. When I went back in she climbed into my arms and asked if she could sleep in the living room while I made my supper. She didn’t want to be alone. When she hurts, I hurt. When she has an anxiety attack I am the only person who knows how to get her to calm down. She is only three and I know this is going to sound crazy but she has an old soul. A soul that feels familiar to me. Since the day they brought her home, she would stop crying whenever she hears my voice. When we’re playing together I can never trick her or scare her because she just feels so safe with me. I don’t know what that is. Honestly, my relationship with her is special and if I leave this year I will make good time. With their new baby on the way, it will be too crowded here. Matt, my brother in law got emotional saying that I had been such a huge support and I blew all his expectations living with them and then bailing them out and being a nanny for them during their time of need. I’m starting to feel emotional about it all right now too. I’m going to quit this entry while I’m ahead.

Last updated January 20, 2019