Foolish idea of mine. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had an idea about asking my caseworker to reach out to BD and see if we could arrange meetings with her so he could see little one. It truly bothers me that he’s missed so much time with her and because I don’t feel comfortable with him coming over to my house, maybe we could meet up in a neutral place and have someone there to just hang out with us and then we wouldn’t have to speak to each other and I would have someone to witness how he is should he speak to me like he normally does.

She’s asked me before if I’d like her to reach out to him and I’ve always turned it down because there’s just no getting through to him and he doesn’t feel he does anything wrong. I have a lot of concerns about my daughter being alone with him because he’s proven more than once that he’ll mistreat her by just ignoring her when I’ve upset him. I just hesitate having someone else reach out to him because he cares more about being in the spotlight than the situation at hand. I also don’t feel that it’s my job to run him down or have anyone else do it either.

I feel so terrible for my daughter because this is the guy I’ve chosen to have her with. She doesn’t deserve to be caught in the middle of such a crazy/chaotic situation and that’s why I don’t care about trying anymore. Whenever he’s around, he’s just mean and it makes things really tense. It’s absolutely disruptive with him coming over here because he makes sure to keep her up so she doesn’t sleep so she turns into a little bear and he doesn’t give a shit because he doesn’t have to take care of her!

I just wish there was an easy solution. I look at it as God has already worked it out so I have stopped stressing but I think about my daughter and know that she deserves a Dad but she needs someone that actually wants to be that in her life. I just don’t get how someone could want a child so bad and then end up being the biggest piece of shit deadbeat with no real intent to EVER have any real involvement with their child.

This guy has completely destroyed me to the point where I can’t see myself in a relationship ever or want to ever really open up to anyone. He’s said the most cruel, vindictive, cold things anyone has ever said about me and sometimes I still think about those things and become angry. I’ve taken so much abuse just to have him there for my child and he still won’t be. He’s sabotaged every chance I’ve given him either by not being reliable or just being plain mean but yet I’ve kept him from her and everything is all my fault.

The good news is I’ve lost some weight, I’ve quit chewing my fingernails, I feel so much better about myself and I’m going to keep going down this road of happiness. I have to heal myself so that I can completely move forward. I have no real social life and just work and keep to myself. I refuse to fight with anyone anymore and that’s why contact with him and my family is over. I just can’t handle dealing with people who just want conflict.

More later.