Minday in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Loads to say today. Not going to be much time to say it.

First and foremost, today should be a very busy day indeed. This is certainly not helped by the fact that my computer is acting wonky. I have court most of the morning, so I’m writing from my portable device that the county provides in order to have my digital files in court. It REALLY comes in handy on days like today where there are too many juvenile cases for me to simply memorize all of the information! But my desktop computers won’t exit Power Save Mode and are cycling through it repeatedly. They continue to say “Entering power save mode” and then… they just keep saying that. No amount of mouse shake or keyboard typing wakes them up. SO I sent a message to IT and hopefully there can be some resoloution to that by the time I return from Juvenile Court this afternoon. Especially since I’m the only attorney here for the next few days. My boss is at a training Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So… access to my work is kind of at a premium.

Not to mention, I’m not exactly a “Surface Guy”. I appreciate the mobile device to act as READING but I am really not a fan of writing on something so small. Perhaps to kill time between hearings (if there is any) I’ll catch up on reading. Just since Friday night, my bookmarks bar has grown to 49 New Entries to Read.

(BTW: I know there are things I want to write about here. Important things that explain other things. So I’ve left a note to do so to myself)

Saturday and Counseling:

We had scheduled our Couple’s Counseling Session for a month after our last one so that we could do the Counseling Homework. As my biggest issue is intimacy and feeling like Wife cares about me… the homework was to create a list that could be shared of things that you appreciate, notice, or make you love each other more. One thing per day. I had every day but 3 days (as evidenced by the list I shared previously). Wife… didn’t do it. She didn’t even fake it and try to create something at the last minute. She just didn’t do it.

So the Counselor asked how that made me feel. I shared that it made me feel like Wife was either too lazy to work on the marriage or apathetic about working on the marriage. Then the Counselor asked Wife why she didn’t do the homework. Wife’s answer… made me angry. Wife said that she had spent the month trying to focus on what she wanted to do with her life, what she could do in our current town, what her next steps are as a person. I expressed myself about this because… that excuse makes me mad. In Omaha, she hated her life and hated her job and was focused so much on that misery that we didn’t have sex for 3 years and that, despite me being in Law School and really needing emotional support… I wound up completely emotionally supporting her instead. SO, I got us out of Omaha. I got us to Tiny Town. Which became more and more miserable for us due to legitimate issues… but then as the end approached; Wife was focused to the point of panic about what she was going to do. The same repeated in West Des Moines. I was in a toxic “literally killing me” job. Wife was at Wal Mart… as she had been since before we met. And her focus was “What am I going to do, where do I go from here?” Until we finally got her OUT of Wal Mart. And the first job she has after? She almost immediately quits. So now… again… we’re in this place. She can do whatever she wants. And I would really appreciate if ‘whatever she wants’ would include work on the marriage. But no. SAME FUCKING EXCUSE she always uses to be completely self-focused. It’s like… I’m here saying, “Can the marriage be a priority for you at all?” And her response is, “Sure, I’ll get to it. I just need to work on me, first.” Which… sure. I wouldn’t even mind that response but for the fact that “I just need to work on me, first” has been her go to FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS. At some point… I’m going to need a Wife that cares about the other half of that whole “marriage equation.”

So the Counselor encouraged her to make room and make time for Marriage as well as Self… and that is about as far as we bloody got. I get that this process can be slow but (and I said so) my patience is wearing super freaking thin.

So… I’m thinking about doing a pre-counseling prompt. Basically, writing something to the counselor that I show Wife before counseling and see where the Counseling Session goes. Because… seriously. Wife was so self-focused that she couldn’t even write once a day a thing that she appreciates about me? I mean, sod the once a day bit… she had 30 days to write anything and didn’t? I mean… even the victims of Abuse I speak to in my job can bust out a quick impromptu list of five to ten things they love about their significant other… and that dude is literally beating them!

COUNSELOR:
Wife and I are doing better in many areas. I’m helping around the house more, she’s less negative and critical. Things are going well. But last session, Wife and I discussed how I tend to bury things as a way to “deal with them” and how that leads to a lot of my maladaptive behaviors. Primarily… I tend to drink and use pornography to deal with my fundamental and deep-seated unhappiness with where my marriage is in Physical Intimacy. Our marriage pretty much started with 3 years of celibacy. Despite me waiting for Wife before engaging in sexual intercourse. So, right off the bat… any sexual issues that persist in our marriage instantly has a load of baggage attached. After Law School ended and I had taken the bar exam for the first time; we slowly started to become physically intimate. But it was almost always due to alcohol consumption. Now, 2018/2019 has arrived. In all of 2018, we were maybe physically intimate two or three times at most. More likely once or twice. And we haven’t been physically intimate since August or September of 2018. So… about 6 months. So the baggage is back with a vengeance and I’m kind of freaking out. Wife has assured me a number of times that she is heterosexual; because that has been a concern. Why no physical intimacy but for drunk unless gay or asexual? But she assures me, she is heterosexual. But then… it just… we’re physically intimate so rarely. Like months and months apart. Which leads to a lot of conflicting emotions for me. Rage, Sorrow, Self Doubt, Confusion. I would say, largely, a lot of my negative emotions about my marriage stem from this issue. Whether that is healthy, or obsessive, or weird, or bad… I don’t know. I’m just… it upsets me being in a marriage where my wife (1) can’t think of good/nice things to say to me; and (2) can’t bring herself to engage physically with me. That is very frustrating and creates a lot of problems for me emotionally.

So, there’s that.

As for me in the now? Juvenile Court is going. I mean, things happen and parents act foolishly. You’re homeless, addicted to meth, and can’t legally drive. DHS involvement to assure your children’s well being is a no-brainer. Fighting us in court on this is a waste of time.

Then I’m also sitting in for my boss on things. His cases, so I’m not going to make wild decisions based on little to no information. One of the defense attorneys sees this as an opportunity to try to get his way on a student. Y’see… kid had probation; disappeared and didn’t contact his probation officer. He’s picked up on bogus trumped up charges. Then sent to us. We state that we can’t release him because the last time we did… he disappeared. His attorney says, “You wouldn’t have had him back in jail but for the trumped up racist charges.” Technically, we’re both right. But if this guy disappears, we can’t just release him. And I’m not going to not do what my boss has told me to do. So… call that done.

In the meanwhile, as Counsel discusses cases with their clients, I read Prosebox. I haven’t noted as much as I may otherwise but… that’s just where I am today. Reading, being passive.

I’ve been working out a lot more in the gym. Wife and I go together and then do separate work outs. That connects to me being tired and sore and passive. Plus the emotional content of my day/s. Dealing with Saturday, Working Juvenile Court (most cases involve words like “lice,” “bed bugs,” “meth,” and “uncooperative.” So that takes something. Plus trying to prepare my boss’ cases for tomorrow. So… yeah. More of a read mood than a note mood. Sorry for that.

In other totally random news… today I will attempt to schedule Home Theater Pick Up and Haircut. Because (1) I have not had a shave and a haircut for… some time. Probably July or August, I think. (2) If we can get our Home Theater set up by the end of the month? That would be awesome!! I super love the basement space now and we got an amazing soft/warm blanket so that Wife could hang out down there too without feeling so cold. Obviously completing that space isn’t a Marriage Fix-All; but having a space like that for me would be positive. Even if only as a place to hide myself.