Surrounded by a little fluffy ball of love, a hike up Mt. Doom, flashbacks and progress... in Life as I know it...

Today I went to go pick up my doggies after they stayed over at my stepsister's dad's place for a few days. They often stay over at his place, because my he and my stepmother were still together when Dobby joined the family, thus making Dobby his dog as well. We don't like to split the dogs up so Diva (my dog) goes along as well. It's always such a beautiful and sweet scene when I go to pick them up. I don't know if Diva recognizes the sound of my car or my footsteps, but whenever I get to the gate, her little head pops out from the doggy door and she starts sprinting like a little, fluffy Usain Bolt and does her little "I'm so happy to see you" dance on her back legs. Shortly after, Dobby comes out, almost taking half of the doggy door with him, and smiles. It's such a strange thing, because he is obviously smiling, he must have picked it up from us or something. He lifts up his top lift and shows his teeth and the more you talk to him the more he smiles. Diva has also started doing that, although she does it with the corner of her mouth which makes her slightly look like an evil villain.

I then carry the two critters in my arms to my car, taking care not to drop one of them whilst they are squirming around. I have dropped Dobby once. I felt so bad that I ended up showering him with cow hooves and chew toys. Once they are in my car, I get a little bit nervous, because we have some dodgy drivers over here in Cape Town and the roads are very narrow and with lots of sharp turns, so I try to drive as slowly as possible, which is made even more difficult by the fact that little Diva is sitting on my lap, but we manage. I play my music softly and every now and then replace a lyric with "Diva", "Dobby" or "Wobbles".

When we got home, Diva jumped onto the couch with me and she started smooching me while I gave her a good scratch for about 30 minutes. Dobby is only concerned with his little pink fluffy toy that he proceeds to keep in his mouth and prance around the house with, while trying to get you to try and grab it as he runs away with his tail going 10000 RPM. I felt enveloped in love from this little creature. She usually sits on my chest or lies in my arms while I scratch her and watch her leg go crazy. It makes me very happy :) Sometimes when I am down, busy or grumpy, I take them for granted.

I decided to go hike up Lion's Head this morning, which I was a bit anxious about because I used to be able to run up in 35 minutes and run back down in about 30 - 35 minutes and I knew that I sure as hell was not going to be able to do that and I was afraid that I would feel like a failure. The mountain is also quite a popular place for walks and can be quite busy sometimes, which is difficult for me, because I always feel like people are judging me. Anyways, it took me 50 minutes to walk up :/ and I was completely blown up and ended up limping down. I got home and just jumped into the pool with all my clothing on. I did feel like a bit of a failure and I kept thinking "How the hell am I ever going to be able to do that again?" and if I even wanted to. I think I was able to stop this thought process in it's tracks and simply tried to remind myself that it's not as if I was able to run up the damn mountain the first time I went up. I didn't even go to the top for a while. So I just kept saying something along the lines of "Just because I can't do it today, doesn't mean I can't do it tomorrow." and just trying to tell myself that going out there was a very big step and a positive thing. Plus I got a sweet t-shirt tan :/

I woke up to find an email from the general manager (wow, I'm really doing this entry completely backwards) which got me quite excited. She sent me the final menu and said that we will definitely be opening up within the next 2 weeks. I can't wait to get started.

While I was hiking up the mountain, all kinds of unpleasant memories from all ages of my life started going through my head and I was starting to beat myself up about things I did in the past and feeling really down about it. It was just one memory after another and I couldn't stop them. I can understand that a whole bunch of memories about Joanne came rushing back, because I once hiked up there with her, but I don't know why stuff from way earlier in my life came flooding up. I'm seeing my psychologist again next week and I think I need to speak to him about this before anything else.

So, it's Valentines Day tomorrow. I wonder how it is going to affect my mood. I've decided that I am definitely not going to message Caroline, because I will probably end up doing a fair amount of crying while doing so and I don't need that right now. The light at the end of the limbo tunnel is nearing and I just want to get out of here as quickly and as smoothly as possible, avoiding any and all potential hiccups and obstacles. I don't know if I am going to be feeling down or a bit depressed tomorrow. I probably will to some degree, but I don't think I'll end up crying in bed all day, I've done enough of that in my life, that's for sure.

It's 18:00pm now and I think I have to go make some dinner for my rumbling tummy. I'm thinking salmon... Perhaps with some couscous and random veggies (except peppers and aubergines... I HATE peppers and aubergines. Blegh). I'm feeling really positive and happy about the progress that I've made since starting this online journalling thing and it has been a really good outlet for me, as well as being able to relate to some people. I haven't experienced any severe debilitating depression or paralyzing anxiety, not to mention any suicidal thoughts, since leaving the clinic in October, even though a fair amount of drama has happened. I think I'm a lot stronger than I was before. I want to finish the "Familiar Place" story as well. I think it will be good for me.

Have a wonderful day everybody.

Adriaan