No Pride. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I wonder if it's because of my desire to be "that person" for people. Or maybe feeling like I'm such an undesirable person to begin with that if I have any flaws, any mistakes, anything someone has to "put up with", then nobody will want to be around me. This is why I let people shit on me.

Ah, but as a reflex, I'm rude, crude, obnoxious, offensive, socially uncultured. As if to filter out those that won't "put up" with me.

Yet I feel it still comes back to that. Thinking so little of myself that I'm someone to be tolerated. Never understood, never celebrated, just tolerated. I've met so many varied people who I thought, "Damn, this person is AWESOME." And beyond whatever "flaws" we might have as humans I still feel, "Damn, what an awesome human being and I'm glad to know him/her."

Is it any wonder I ended up what I was on OD? It's what I wanted, what I needed. To feel some iota of praise, even if it was shallow and hallow.

I was thinking today of when I started thinking less of myself. If anything, I had a passive feeling of being "better" than others when I was a teenager. But also a humility to pacify any sense of self-boasting. How does one have pride without... being one of those people we want to smack across the face?

The more my eyes are open, the more it hurts. The more it hurts to exist. I was far more okay when I wasn't self-aware. I spent all my energy avoiding stress, avoiding anxiety. It became an art. A childhood spent escaping into video games. Escaping is still a default, though I'm far wiser now. I'm only content now, only able to escape, when I've dealt with my stressors.

Perhaps this is why I enjoy napping so much. To put everything on hold and not deal with anything for a short time. Whereas sleep, well. That means dealing with tomorrow. And sometimes, I never want to deal with tomorrow.

Sigh. I just don't think all that much of myself, and it would be helpful if I had someone who saw just a little more in me than I do.

Meanwhile, in the very same headspace, I'm excited about this massive snowstorm we're getting tomorrow. I borrowed a garbage can lid from my dad (er, without permission, shh) so I can go sledding tomorrow. There's a steep hill near there that is BEGGING to get slid on during white-out conditions. I'm a big kid at heart. Huh, maybe that really explains everything.