I had a dream last night... in Riverdale

I had a dream last night....

I had this dream last night that really stuck with me.

It was about this guy in high school I really liked.

I met him in high school. We were both in this learning skills class together. Aka. Dumb kids class. Class for kids formally in special ed in elementary school.

Anyways. We met and we started talking on the phone for hours at night time. He was so cute and had these really nice blue eyes, he was tall but also from the "wrong side of the tracks" into drugs a bit and hung out with a heavy drug using crowd. I don't recall if he was into really heavy drugs but he did smoke pot a lot. He said he loved these sexy black boots I would wear to class.

Anyways. He started skipping the class and skipping school. He lived in the same town as the school and close by so he'd hang out at the local coffee shop mostly. Whenever we would talk on the phone he would promise me that he would meet me by my locker but he never did. He was in and out if a relationship with this other older girl I knew.

I fell for him. He was probably now that I think of it sort of my first love. As one sided as it seemed mostly. We went on one date that was so awkward in grade 9 to see Anger Management and he was figidity the whole time and nervous and restless. Shaking his legs the whole time. I was nervous too.

Once he was bragging so much about his friends car and his older friend and he came to see me in the middle of the night to smoke a joint in this park. But later on he just became a jerk mostly.

Texting me in class harassing me calling me what I think is the most original insult I have ever heard and been called "lush bucket" I had to look that one up. Pretending I think at one point that he was the on and off again gf telling me to leave him alone. Just being a prick.

I guess we lost touch but we started talking again at length on the phone in grade 12. I remeber he came over and we had sex and than he left awhile later. Complimenting me telling me to pose on his nice new car blah blah blah.

I felt used and when I look back I guess I was to a certain point. The I between girl. It was never anything really really serious even though I wished it was but I always felt second best.

One of my friends actually fooled around with him too at one point and he was so in love w her apparently and I was so jealous.

He confided in me about his gf having an abortion and how it made him feel.

There was a friendship at the most I guess.

Anyways now he has a new gf and a kid who is probably like at least 6 now!

So it was kind of weird dreaming of him. I am over him. He wasn't my type in the end. Never will be. We were never meant to be. And live too far away at this point anyways. He still lives the small town boy life with the small town boy ideals and lifestyle. I could not relate to him if I tried anymore. Plus the whole kid and gf thing of course lol.

So that is why it was weird to dream of him. It was so random but such a vivid dream. He came to my apartment and were hanging out, we were together romantically really serious and I asked him how his sons were. (He only has one son)

Than it was funny because at one point he was wearing my socks. These leopard print socks I have and I asked him why he was wearing them and he was being all goofy like he really is about it all.

Anyways weird. I woke up with this real emotional connection to the dream that stayed w me throughout the morning. Just in awe of the memories that came flooding back about being in high school and him and how much he meant to me at that time in my life. How much of jerk he really was in the end and just hurting a bit when I realized the dream was better than reality. It was this idealized version of it all. But really I felt used and manipulated in the end and like "second" best only really sexualized by him never really taken that seriously. So it hurt remembering the unrequited love I had for him.

I wonder why he came up. One is kind of crazy but perhaps I have a bit of a psychic connection with him or intuition. Like when I said sons even though he has only one son. Maybe the gf is pregnant or about to get pregnant.

The second thing I am thinking is that it's connecting to how O used to treat me. Second best. Sexualized me mostly. Praised me for my appearance and sex mostly but never really felt like more than a show piece most of the time.

Perhaps it's the reason why I am attracted to blonde haired blue eyed guys. It's a connection I never really thought about before.....

Either way it's just so triply having such a vivid and emotionally powerful dream that felt so real to me about a pretty random guy that I haven't thought about in a long time become so central in my dream as a romantic love interest.

At least I had that to ruminate and obsess about instead of O. I was getting sick of him popping up in my dreams and thoughts all the time.

It makes me believe and feel like it's possible and a lot quicker than I think to have feelings for someone new.

I know I said I wouldn't talk about him anymore but I guess the last thing I wanted to say is that this time i am making a more conscious decision to move forward and not obsess and stay stuck on him anymore. That the new news has propelled my healing from it faster.

Anyways I had a long heavy day today in my course. I revealed something personal today and got a supportive response mostly but I guess a part of me didn't realize how much revealing such a traumatic thing would impact others in the group. The shock and awe and like disgust for the incident and perpetrator and some questions and the appreciation people had for me sharing a story. Albeit it was about attempted murder but others have shared very similar things and none have gotten the same response really. It was kind of uncomfortable and comforting at the same time. I feel that most of my feelings of discomfort were comming from feeling exposed I guess and the shame I have carried and assumed others would have for me.

But I also realize that many other group members have shared similar things and I have not judged thought less or questioned what they have said. So even if others may secretly judge or whatever it doesn't in the big scheme of things matter that much. I know my truth I know what happened I am strong I am not less of a person for what happened to me and what terrible things people have done to me. That is their shame not mine. I don't own their garbage anymore I don't want to hold it anymore. It needs to be spoken about sexual and physical violence. The more we stay silent the more power and shame increases.

We need to shatter the stereotypes of "victims" and speak out to show others it can happen to anyone.

Anyways I am exhausted.

I should do a few things but I am just not up to much tonight.

I also cut out Os friend from my life. He was my last remaining link and I needed him out. The reason wasn't originally about O, but him. He was similar in behaviour and he was letting me down a lot. He came in like a wrecking ball into the relationship than he tried to down grade me slowly to something causal. I am not having that or accepting that. It hurts me too much to settle for less when I know how much he gave and put into the relationship before for him to now disrespect me and treat me like I am too damanding when I still expect and ask for the same consideration and respect.

It's one thing when a relationship started off as casual. But to have someone just slowly start to treat you as less and not as important is more hurtful than him leaving in my opinion.

I'd rather not have him in my life anymore than feel resentful unhappy and feeling like I am being "high maintenance" to a stone wall person. Who is cold unresponsive and unhappy.

I need all the energy I can get right now for my own life and self esteem.

I need to really stop putting the empathsis on sex and it's availability to me and the history and familiarity the person has with me.

Fuck that. It's all wishful and deluded thinking that slaps you in the face whether you like it or not later on.

It sucks in some ways but I mean I wanna make space for new people in my life.

I am scared to let new people into my life but I figure this time I can try to start off a lot better and consciously right from the get go.

Really ask myself what do I want in my relationships and end or start and look for those specific things in people I meet. Not settle for less out of desperation.

I read something great really about beating yourself up over past mistakes, that you have to tell yourself that was than this is now.

I am not that really scared lonely lost angry isolated clouded in the head girl a year ago living so far away from everyone and everything and having no opportunities in sight, a cold and unhelpful therapist, hanging out, holding on to old high school friends, holding on to a job that didn't appreciate and understand my unique struggles of leaving an abusive home and family and struggling financially emotionally with hardly anyone to turn to and the people I had were uncaring unhelpful controlling and just really selfish or pretending to be helpful while stubtly undermining me and bullshitting their way through it all due to their own I capability and lack of honesty and integrity in some cases.

I was very vulnerable, I was very blind and sometimes even willingly blind because I saw and had no escape in the whole aftermath of escaping and moving away from so many toxic people and things.

I had some fun times and wreck less times and turning points along the way but I was not ready able or willing to make other choices. I sort of gradually came to knowing that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the moment. I was biding my time for something better waiting and learning and fucking up and making wrong choices and failing and disapointing people and being disapointed.

But I was not always lucid to all of this either and that's the point. I was in the moment, I only had the memories the knowledge the wisdom and supprt that I had nothing compared to what I know have and remeber now. So it's easy to beat yourself up after the fact but to really understand and empathsize you have to remeber what it was like and how it felt than. In ignorance.

And sometimes that ignorance was truely bliss. Especially when it came to O. Not knowing the secrets the lies the other side of him. Only all the good and being in the moment when everything was new and exciting and intense.

But yeah.

Ignorance can truely be bliss.

But I guess also even when I hadn't figured out that I has outgrown and wised up to these people I believe it was because they were offering me something I needed in that time. I still needed something from them and I was on their level. The needs they fulfilled for me were very primal and basic in a lot of ways.

So in some cases it wasn't entirely anyone's fault. Theirs or mine.

But than came when I moved back to the city. Filled with different people and places and Options and power and out of isolation and doing nothing that the pain set in because I wanted more than all these things and people could give me. But I tried so hard for them to give me something that maybe they just couldn't give me. They didn't have it in them and it hurt becauSe I didn't completely have anything or anyone to replace them with.

So it was the death of many things and loss and emptiness that I still struggle with. A hole in my soul and heart where I wish more people could come Into. In a more sophisticated complex enlightened loving and healthy way

But It also scares me because I feel like what if I am not good enough? What if I am not ready or prepared for these things and I mess up? What if what I want I can't have or really don't deserve.

Coupled with the fact that I have not ever had any real sembelence in the past to know if it is healthy and loving and appropriate and what I need and want. Will it even feel good to have? Will I be able to appreciate it and cherish it? Will I even recognize it when it comes?

I am not completely sure but I am willing to try.

Whoa this got really deep.