Worse in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay

How many relationships will I get my hopes up for only to have a crashing downward spiral of destruction start with the words, “Who is Jay?” How many times will I force my heart to love only to find that it fades and the dreams return to you? How many fake smiles will I muster up? How many kisses will I give that just feel wrong? How many nights and mornings will I lay crying?

Will I ever love anyone but you this way?
I keep telling myself it will pass.
Don’t be so damn dramatic.
You’ve been in love before.
It will pass.

Why do I always desire the one who is unattainable when I could have anyone else in the world? Why is your face always in my mind? Your absence feels like torture even though it’s been there all the while. This is silly shit. I just miss you. The laughter and good times. Teasing and joking. Watching movies next to you in the dark, making snow angels, telling secrets. All the good times I let slip by. And now they haunt me.

You wanted me to know what it felt like to die. Do you know how many things there are worse than death? And how many I’ve survived? How much hell I’ve experienced because of you? It would all be worth while if I could have the good times back. So I wonder why you dont miss them too? Why you dont seek them out? True you dont love me like I love you, but surely you miss me too.

What would I give to be part of your world again? The whole thing perhaps, the whole thing.
The whole world.

Night love, hope you are smiling and happily dreaming tucked into bed. I wish I could see you sleeping peacefully and not just imagine you in my head.