Nothing Where Something Used To Be in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I’m sitting in one of five Starbucks I passed in my terminal alone in the Seattle-Tacoma airport. I’m heading back to Sacramento after having a week here to clear my head and figure things out. My mind is whirring. This whole experience has been illuminating, which is both good and bad.

I stayed with TJ, one of my cohorts from Paris who lived in the apartment five stories above me. We spent a significant amount of time together while we were there, and if I’m being honest, since we’ve returned from Paris, I spent more time with him than almost anyone, including Edgar or RJ. He has been nagging me to visit Seattle since he moved here, and I finally decided I’d take him up on it after realizing that Los Angeles was not where I wanted to rebuild.

Aside from TJ, my little brother with whom I haven’t ever spent a significant amount of time lives up here. He kind of went dark after our father moved down to Sacramento so I was charged with, not necessarily spying on him, but just assessing his well-being. His name is Austin and he’s a proudly flamboyant gay man. In some ways, I envy him but I know that’s just my own projections.

The truth is, I loved it in Seattle. Because TJ and I spent so much time together in Paris and afterward, we never really had to find a groove with each other because we already knew what not to do to piss one another off. And I never realized how having a gay brother would inherently change the dynamic between myself and a sibling.

I don’t know how to explain it other than something seemed to click at some point during this week. The places seemed familiar even though I’d never been there before. The people I met were generous but not obnoxious about it. The weather was wonderful (I love rain and cloudy weather and detest heat and sunshine).

Austin pointed out to me that I was radiating joy.

I have been so empty and hollow these last several years that it was a real mindfuck to find myself light, unafraid and having fun.

So now comes the hard work: getting my ducks in a row so that I can truly find some peace within myself. And enjoy the remaining years of my life.