With a quickness in Random Thoughts

Many years ago when Opendiary was in it’s original existence, i had an OD friend who used this phrase (with a quickness) and i loooooved it.

I really appreciate a good turn of phrase. A highschool friend of mine married an Irish man and has her family in Ireland. I visited once (highly recommended!) and our discussion about her burgeoning Irish accent had a lot to do with her knowing the Irish “turn of phrase”.

But that’s not what i am here to talk about. I need to sort out some emotions i have been digesting lately, so i have my own personal clarity and can accurately and honestly communicate with someone i’ve been dating.

Lachlan. We started spending some time together this summer. I asked him out, just a hang out kind of thing. I’m not actually sure why. Just seemed like something i wanted to do.

Slowly we spent the summer meeting for meals and talking. Very slowly. Then in August we were at an open house/social type thing and ended up making out. The chemistry was effing off the charts. We both were kind of floored. So we increased the amount of time we spent together. Soon he revealed to me he was monogamous. (I got a feeling of impending doom).

I told him my non negotiables were my two partners Adam and Jamie (of which i was open and clear about my relationship style). He said it wouldn’t work and i was sad and relieved.

The next week he got back to me and wanted to talk, wanted to give this a try. I agreed, but feeling reservations- fears that this would end up breaking hearts.

Oh yeah, he also has told me that his ultimate goal was to be married and have a family.

I am not opposed to that, i just thought my version and his version were probably different.

Ok, that’s the back ground. But there are so, so many things to say!!!

He is in love. He would like me to be the dream he has of wife and family. But. He’s not asking me to change my lifestyle....... the way he put it is “i’d have to get used to the fact that my wife has a boyfriend” (except he didn’t mention that i have two other partners).

That is it in a nutshell, though there are so many complicated thoughts and feelings swirling around in me. I’m not sure i can sort them out. Maybe just start out with something.

First, I feel so safe, cared for, loved, taken care of. I have shared many vulnerable parts of myself with Lachlan- how broken i feel when it comes to pregnancy/childbirth and being married.

Second, i don’t want to make any decisions during the New Relationship Energy part of this coupling. I am hesitant to even say “i love you” because i want how i feel to be 100% genuine, not based on brain chemistry and the “high” from NRE

Third, i want to be partnered. i want to have a baby (and have tried over this past year with IUI), but i want everything to be clear and open with all partners. Lachlan doesn’t want to know about what’s going on with other partners. That makes me uncomfortable. I change things i am going to say to him and ways that i share myself because of this. But also, as my love Jamie says, i am also doing this based on an assumption and ways i have read Lachlan’s words and body language, not actually because he told me he doesn’t want to know. So, it’s fair to have that conversation.

Fourth, this is triggering some of my automatic assumptions and recurring stories- ways of being in relationships that have played out over and over in my life. This is the real meat of what i want to explore. I have a meeting, so my next entry will be the BBQ.

So. Overall i hesitate.