It's only a matter of time... in Stuff

I haven’t written in a while, namely due to if I had, it would have entirely consisted of ^cough cough hack hack cough cough^ - it’s been an exciting time in my life. Fucking NOT.
And it’s still hanging around. Day 10 I think I counted today. I first felt this Wednesday before last, so that sounds about right.

Anyway, I got out of the house to get some fresh air today (and, as usual, to time avoiding Andrew when he got home from work), and I wasn’t out for long but as I was walking home, this lovely little thought entered my mind,
“It’s just a matter of time…”

That was all it said. But I knew what the rest of it was without the thought actually being a thought, if that makes sense. Such a strange, dark, feeling. The entire thought was a very obvious, “It’s just a matter of time… (until you kill yourself).”

It was fucking rough and almost stopped me in my tracks. The depressive thoughts were happening as I left the house. I even had a thought back to the demon telling it, “OH COME ON, THAT WAS FUCKING LOW.”

But the funny thing is, I’ve been too sick the last two weeks to even think about being depressed. I really can’t recall it. And it reminds me of what I read in the book about taking care of myself physically to get myself healthy again, and why would I do that if I really wanted to off myself?
Also, as I was waiting for a car to move, I wasn’t sure what the driver was doing just sitting there (if she was going to go forward or reverse) and I rushed past far behind her so as not to get run over if she WAS in reverse.
See, I don’t want to kill myself. These fucking thoughts are just vicious and fucking low.

So now I’m wondering if this means I’m getting better. Yay, Matt is getting better, so let’s give him suicidal thoughts! Go brain! Go team!
Fuck. This.

This whole moving thing is doing my head in. As I predicted it would. Finding a place that might be okay to apply for and then reading negative reviews about the place - ergh. Just dodgy shit that scares me off like property managers deliberately damaging property and blaming it on the tenant to keep a hold of their rental bonds, and just bitchy staff in general. I don’t want to live anywhere like that.
Oh, and of course the cost of rent by myself and if I’ll even be accepted for a place when they see that half my pay will go into rent. I feel like they’ll see me as a risk. You know, even though I’m gay so I don’t have kids, nor do I have a car, nor do I have a life lol. Anyone who wants me as a tenant would never have to worry about the rent not being paid, as it’s always been my priority. I like a roof over my head.
There’s a place I want to inspect tomorrow that I really like the look of. It’s slightly over budget, but given how nice it looks (we’ll see), I’d be happy to pay a bit more. It’s a bit further from work but it’s right near the shops I like to shop at most. It’s also in a suburb I used to live in many years ago and I liked living there, but man, I was 21 at the time! I’m now 35.

My 35th birthday was a complete write-off. I was stuck in bed hacking my lungs up and going through boxes of tissues. I shit you not. I actually found myself wondering how one human can produce SO much body fluid from his nose lol. Apologies if you’re enjoying a Christmas cookie whilst you read this :P But seriously! Holy shit, how is this possible???
I have made it to work however, much to the disamusement (is that a word?) of some of my workmates. Of course I’m still coughing away and I feel like I kept it hidden pretty well from customers, but probs not. I made it in every day last week and am on my days off again, still trying to get better. I left these days off as not to inspect many properties in the hopes of not rocking up to a place looking like death, but this place tomorrow may have to deal with it if I do want to apply for it. I think once I at least make an application, I’ll feel better. I inspected one place already a few weeks back that I didn’t like, so obviously I didn’t apply. I see it’s still up for grabs too, which isn’t too surprising.
The places I’m inspecting next week are slightly under budget and closer to work, so it’s hard to judge whether I’d prefer better facilities and cost over cheaper and convenience, you know? Plus I won’t find out dodgy shit until after I’ve signed something, I’m sure. Thanks cynical Matt!
And of course Andrew is giving his opinion on places, like “Oh I couldn’t live there, oh that looks too crowded…” etc etc. yes well, we weren’t all born in the 60’s and could afford to own four properties, were we now? And I am most certainly not Andrew.
He always makes out like he is a multi millionaire, but in reality he probably has three or four mortgages.
Still, I’m glad that I’m not being kicked out of here. His reasoning is that I’ve lived here for over 10 years, so there’s no rush to kick me out or anything. I was talking to him about the whole when my last rent payment here will be etc, so as to not leave him out on a lurch or anything.

Oh, and guess what the latest is. He’s looking at getting a 16YO housemate in here. LOL.
Naturally, Kurt isn’t too impressed at that idea. He’ll be left alone here with Andrew when I leave here, whenever that will be. I will miss him. He’s been a great housemate.
Although he is NEVER here. Like seriously, I haven’t seen him in the past two weeks because he’s always at his boyfriend’s house. That is plural. I think I’ve mentioned that but he seems to have a MUCH more exciting life than me at the moment, being in a “throuple” relationship. They even have a cat that they take out on a leash LOL. I see the Snapchats. I even saw them all nude running around the house when Kurt got a little bit lit on his birthday (his is the week before mine).
So there’s my housemate having the time of his life, drunk, with a cute cat and getting double-penetrated, whilst I’m at home, under the covers, coughing, and dying.
FUN TIMES!!!

Oh and the Shania concert. THAT was meant to be my birthday treat to myself that I bought forever ago. And here I was, feeling on the verge of death. I was in the shower when I knew I had to admit defeat, and I started to cry. I missed her when she was last here in 1997 and I was going to miss her again because I was just too sick to attend. I think I just told myself the famous Ned Kelly quote, “Such is life” and when I got out of the shower, I made the dreaded status saying I couldn’t go and if anyone wanted my ticket, it was theirs.

:(

But I was way too sick. If they wanted the fucking free ticket, they could come and get it. I was already pissed off that I was giving it away so they would come to me. I wasn’t humiliating myself further by dropping it off to them as well. I simply couldn’t.
But, guess what? 6 hours passed and the concert was a half-hour away from starting. I’d had zero offers.
So then I got down about that too. “Great, the ticket is going in the bin!”
What an insult. People who know me know that I don’t charge for tickets. If I can’t go, I give them away. They are just going to waste otherwise and this is what was going to happen.

I then saw it was 7:20pm. That meant the support act would be starting in 10 minutes. I felt like absolute shit, but I looked up the train times and saw I could get there in time for when Shania went on stage. I dosed up on pills, blew the fuck out of my nose as much as I could and forced myself out of the house down to the train station. I managed to get there right on time. It was at the Entertainment Centre, which is in the middle of fucking nowhere near in Brisbane. I figured whoever was next to me was just going to have to deal with my constant coughing and sniffling and whatever else my body is doing to me.

The concert was great. I was so happy that I got to see Shania, even on my death-bed lol. And yes, I did cough through the entire show, but thankfully the music was so loud that it pretty much drowned out my rapsy cough. So that worked out well.
She did all her big hits, and she looked amazing for, what - I think she’s 54 now?
She even did a bunch of her country hits, which I was very happy to see!
And the crowd was really getting into her, a lot dressed in leopard skin leggings and top hats.
She said that she tried to incorporate horses into most of her music videos because she loves them. Then she did a montage of music videos over the years. I figured she did that because maybe those are songs where she can’t hit those notes anymore lol. Having said that, she did do “From This Moment On” which was a highlight and she hit those notes well! That dress was sparkly and amazing!

So yes, I went! Fuck you sickness. I ain’t waiting until I’m 50+ to see Shania.

Still trying to get better. Hopefully I will write something decent when I’m not such an ill mess and my brain isn’t telling me to end it all lol. Because it’s wrong.

Oh apparently my roster is changing at work AGAIN due to the new EBA coming through. Apparently the new rule is that full-time and part-time staff are only allowed to work one 9-hour day per week. The rest have to be less hours. Ergh. I currently do two 10-hour days, so something will have to change again, even though my roster only did just change. I had to sit in on the meeting at work, although I just stood near the door since I was so sick and I was so over it I just said, “Yeah do whatever.”
My store manager said he was glad to have me back, so that was nice at least. At least someone appreciates how hard I work. But being so sick, I was probably on about half-empty. At least I was better than the week before where I couldn’t even get out of bed. And work kept my mind busy.
The next scary thing will be getting back into gym. I so have to because it keeps my demons at bay and I can’t ignore the benefits it gives me. The good thing about being sick is that I’ve maintained my weight. It’s exactly as it’s been the past few months, which is good I guess. I do want to get it down slightly more when I go back though, so I suppose I have at least one mini-goal through all the crap going on in my mind and my life.

I’d better be better by Christmas. I can’t be there if I am still sick because my sister can’t be around sick people due to the chemo.

I think when I hear an application have been accepted that I’ll have a huge weight off my shoulders. Then I’ll see how long that lasts.