A Declaration in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

My wife went to her parents.
She is getting stuff for the house but… honestly? She isn’t really. She spoke with her mom yesterday and her mom confirmed that the tables and chairs and things wouldn’t fit in Wife’s car so they would have to bring it over in the van. Wife went to her parents anyway. It is what it is.

With her gone, I’ve got conflicted feelings inside.
You see… my wife is AGAINST romance. So I never get to tell her the romantic things i really want to. Like… how I know she hates her breasts because she thinks they are small and too wideset… but the fact that almost everything about them is unique is actually a massive positive. Hers are the only breasts in the world that look exactly that way. And so she says I only like them because they are the breasts I am legally allowed to play with… but she’s wrong. First of all, I’m NOT legally allowed to play with them because if she doesn’t consent, that is still sexual assault under the law. But more importantly, it isn’t “I like them because I have access” it is “I like them because they are HERS.” A distinction she truly does not understand. But the really romantic? Because I’ve been thinking about this a lot as “divorce” becomes a more real possibility despite my true and passionate feelings hoping and praying that we can avoid that? Everything that is important to me in this world is in her eyes. I genuinely have thought sincerely that I do NOT want her to die before me because I don’t want to live in a world where I cannot see her eyes. I proposed to her going full scale Worst Case Scenario… we get old and she doesn’t recognize me anymore… she gets cataracts and can’t see anymore… she becomes a cripple and and can’t walk anymore… when I said “For better or worse” I went through every scenario… and as long as I can look into her eyes and hold her hand… that’s the world I want. Which is why our current issue is so… challenging. Because she didn’t do the same. Because she isn’t even sure if she ever loved me (if I understood her statement at Counseling). Because she isn’t even sure if she ever formed a More than Friends Bond with me. THAT is why it is so difficult. THAT is why it is so challenging. Because when I said “For better or worse” I meant it 100%. When she said it… they were just words.

I adore my wife. I love her and find her amazingly attractive (in spite of herself). She is the perfect woman to run my household. If she would just actively chose me as her husband everything would be great. And that is what I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to be the only person on earth who cares about my orgasm. I don’t want to be a person on this earth that cannot receive an amorous, affectionate, or even More Than Platonic Kiss now and again.

Married People… honest question… is it honestly too much to ask that, a married couple without children or pets, can still get amorous and down every once in a while? I mean… Wife and I have NEVER done this but my fantasy, after describing it, is it literally impossible?

I come home from work. Wife and I head to the gym. We work out. Shower. Come home. Eat a good meal. Do the dishes. As we discuss what to do for the evening, I bend down to kiss her and she kisses me back, gripping me to her. As the kiss grows in passion, she opens her mouth and our tongues entwine. Our need for each other becomes manifest as we strip each other on the way to the bedroom until as soon as her back hits the bed she says, “Fuck me.” Is that.... just… too fanciful? I mean I know it is for us. Wife hasn’t fucked me without being near black-out drunk maybe EVER and she certainly hasn’t kissed me with any form of passion in MONTHS but… is that something that could or might happen in a marriage?

Obviously… I am waiting with baited and impatient breath for Saturday. Provided we ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT at Couple’s Counseling… this could be a big one.