written 9/26/1999
I had a horrible weekend.
of course it had to do with Odie and the sex issue. On friday i had a good mood. I was thinking of going to a party that seemed really nice (Some alternative rave something. I love alternative music and there are almost no discos that have it in tel-aviv). I asked Odie if he felt like it and he said "maybe", and after a few minutes he said "Dew, maybe we can have sex tonight instead of going to that party". Somehow the way he said it made me feel a bit annoyed and guilty at the same time. On one hand he had asked me so gently, like he was really waiting for it and hoping. On the other hand, if he didn’t want to go to the party he should have just said so. Why did he have to combine the two things? He made it sound like if I wanted him to go to the party with me, I would have to give him something back for it...
Anyway, I decided to give up the party, but to maybe go to bed with him later, just to get it off both of our minds so we could get on with or lives without the horniness and the guilt. Yes, I do understand how horrible that sounds. But I was thinking once we started doing it i would just kind of get into it, and it would be fine. It had happend a few times in the past.
So i got into bed (he was sleeping) and we started to make out. He was calling me all his nice names, telling me how sexy i was, how good I made him feel. And all the time I was thinking that I wasn’t really enjoying this, and if it would go on like this for much longer, I would have to break up with him. The thought of breaking up was so horrible, that I felt even worse about the sex and all the gentle touches and the bites and licks really hurt me. At some point I just couldn’t take it anymore so I stopped, and started to cry.
Odie just looked at me and didn’t say anything. We just sat in bed and looked at each other sadly. I cried. Then he just got up and left the room.
After a while he came back and sat on his chair and smoked. I got up and hugged him and told him I was sorry, it was the first thing either of us had said. He said that HE was sorry for "dragging me into this:, and I said again that it was me who was sorry. We kind of hugged, but it didn’t feel real. I was feeling so down, the tears were rolling down my face. I kept thinking that now the relationship would never be the same - he would never be as openly loving with me. I thought that we were now probably going to break up, and I pictured myself alone, and it was horrible. Not having anyone to come home to, no one to spend new millenium’s eve with, my friends would all feel sorry for me... I thought about how my life would now be empty and I wouldn’t have anything to think about, because even when we had problems it was something to think about. i thought abou telling my parents and friends about us breaking up and I just cried and cried.
I used to have this feeling all the time - a horrible fear of the future. That it would be empty, or full of worthless things, and full of pain. I really felt the pain in a way that I couldn’t bear. I kept feeling I had to do something to solve it, or to forget about it - like watch T.V. or read the paper or something. And then it occured to me that everyone has these depressions once in a while, that it was normal, and in the end when we die, a sad life story is just as good as a happy life story. I knew that a few moments before i died i would have good things to remember and bad things to remember, at some ratio, no matter what I did. For some stupid reason this tought made me feel a little better.
The whole weekend Odie didn’t really talk to me. We kept trying to kiss and hug to make it all better, but it wasn’t working. I tried to talk about general things but he didn’t answer and I kept feeling like an idiot. After i asked him something like 10 times what he wanted to do, he just said he wanted to lay in bed and listed to music. i asked him if he was mad at me and he said "no, just sad that it’s not working out for us". I wondered if he meant the sex or the whole relationship.
The whole situation really drove me crazy. I felt increadibly guilty for ruining the relationship, for putting him in such a mood when he’d always just been supportive to me - i owed all my good mood (or shall i say - neutal mood, which is much beter than fear and depression) in the past few months to him and his love. But on the other hand it really bothered me that he didn’t want to talk about anything. Not that I had anything especially positive to say, and maybe he knew it.
When i couldn’t stand the silence any more I said "I didn’t know where my problems with sex come form, but i hope some day it will change. Is that okay?" He said "I guess it’s okay. What choice do I have?"
I said "I feel like I’ve done something horrible to our relationship" he said "Not horrible. Just bad" Now I feel like I’ve ruined our relationship forever. Even if we stay together it won’t make either of us feel good. And still I feel like there’s no one in the world i want more than him. I feel closer to him than to anyone in the world, which is pretty bad because I feel so far away from him right now.
Loading comments...