Under Selfie Control in Current Events

I have been feeling more like myself again and it came from the dumbest reason. A month ago I bought a long top coat that I saw in a window. I had to fight with some prissy twink to take it off the mannequin so I could try it on. Bitch tried to tell me that they didn’t have my size but mannequins are my size so just ring it up you fucking fucken fucker fuck twink bitch. Anyway, my style has been pretty “stealth” the last few years and by that I just mean that I dress to fit in because I consciously want to be unnoticed. Which is difficult when one is over 6 feet tall. I use to drape myself in fabulous clothes to hide all the weight that I lost during my nervous breakdown. I had a put your best shoe forward approach. I used to say that every inch of me was a calculated piece of man bait. Now I’m too self conscious to stand out and look like a try hard. Self esteem and I are no longer friends! But I decided to just take it up a notch and look extra fabulous for a change and I went out and finished my Christmas shopping. Straight guys, the ones that put effort into their image kept checking me out. In a low key I dig that outfit kind of way. I felt like I was on a runway and I was really feeling my oats.
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I think that I figured out why my confidence has been so shook these days. I was thinking about how I miss my long hair. I haven’t even taken a selfie of my new do. I am still pissed about the fiasco of a trim that I got that led to me needing to take off eight inches but I don’t think that is why my self esteem has been so low. I quit social media and I am not getting any validation through likes and comments anymore. I think this self deprecation is mostly withdrawal. Maybe? I just have no reason to take a selfie these days. I have no reason to record myself be a dirty slut either but that hasn’t stopped me so I think I just need a good old fashion selfie sesh. I miss the editing, it gave me the same satisfaction a painting did. I miss taking photos for my Instagram. I need to learn how take photos for myself.
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I can honestly say that even though I am reading into a lot of infinitesimal things here I have been feeling a lot like myself again because I just haven’t been in my head so much the last couple of days. I am walking taller and I’ve been forcing myself to take care of things, like getting Christmas shopping out of the way so I can jump start my savings plan. January is coming up and I am turning 33 and I am still young. I want a lot for myself and I hate that I lose that new year new me motivation by April so I have been digging all that ambition up early.
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I am going to post the last selfie that I took. Obviously before my haircut and it was my most liked on IG before I deleted it (along with everything else). I actually hated it and it was suppose to be filler. I felt pressure to keep posting content, which is why I had to leave IG. It was my bad side and I was feeling a depression attack coming on when I took it and I can see it in my eyes that I was about to convince myself that I am a worthless piece of garbage. Also I am posting another selfie that I never posted on IG because I was devastated to see that my ass was shrinking lol. I cut down on carbs and upped my cardio.

Last updated November 25, 2018