Stuttering and sputtering in The Road Ahead

So I’ve been in California for just over a month now. And while it isn’t the cure for my depression, it has certainly helped. I went almost three weeks without a suicidal thought or urge and it felt great! I am being more careful and cautious about my self care, and I’m definitely in the low part of my depressive cycle. But! And this is a huuuuuge but! I’m working diligently to keep a better inventory of what’s going on behind the scenes. I always think about writing and sharing, and then I hit this wall of apathy and lack of self worth and I just don’t bother.

I’m still working to figure out what I’m doing with myself. Having spent my life not giving the future a second thought, I’m not used to the idea of future planning. When every day has you counting your pennies or your last nerves, it’s hard to look forward when today demands so much attention just to get through it. But yes, here I am. And I’m excited, I’m just a little kerfluffed about what I need to do. Getting a job is first, I suppose. Once I have some income coming in, the chains are loosened a bit and my range goes way up.

I need that little bit of routine that comes with having a job. I’m content to lay and laze for indeterminate amounts of time, and it’s not hard for me to lose the date or day of the week. But without a tiny bit of routine, I tend to feel weightless and detached. My thoughts are scattered and adrift, like a thousand pages fell out of my mental book and the wicked winds blew them to the corners of the earth.

I’m vaguely upset and anxious and a little beat down.
I’m also resigned to continue, at a higher baseline, and find my path forward.

I don’t want to do vanlife anymore either. It’s been an experience, that’s for sure, but I’m getting tired and old and I just want a tiny, temperature controlled, wifi enabled, place to call my own. I want access to a bathroom at all times, and a kitchen too. There’s a lot I’d like to do, it all just comes down to money and ambition, of which I have little to none of either. But I expect that to change as I force myself up and through the apathetic and depressed haze I’ve been stumbling through for the past while.

One day at a time.

One day at a time.