A caged rabbit in Vulnerability

So as you all know, the mental-health-train has derailed a little these past few days. It’s like three wheels are off the track and one is still on it. So anyway, that’s how fun I am lately lol.
I had a lovely little thought pop into my head this morning. I’d barely even opened my eyes and my brain was telling me I was useless. It was along the lines of “You’re basically 40 and still living here with nothing to show for yourself.”
In reality, I’m turning 35 next month.
I think I told myself to “shut the fuck up cos I’m completely over it”, and “I’ve only JUST opened my eyes, for fuck’s sake.”
If I spoke like I think, I’d be thrown in the mental ward.

I got excited for a little while today because the ‘perfect’ rental came up. Finally! It had a balcony, air-con, property management on the premises, AND close to work, and also under my budget. Unfortunately I went out to breakfast to my fav cafe and when I came back to apply for an inspection, the listing was gone. Of course it is lol. Doh. Oh wells. Will keep keeping my eye out. There is that other one which is right on my budget which I am considering, the place I did a walk-by yesterday. The building is massive. It was right on around 5pm also, so I got to observe the types of people walking in there, home from work. They just all looked tired lol. But the point is, there’d be a LOT of people in a building that tall, but the views look spectacular from the balcony. You know, as much as they can in my city anyway. They have open inspections that you apparently just turn up to. I wasn’t dressed very well yesterday, so didn’t go in, but I’m thinking I might go in wearing my work clothes after work tomorrow, since I’m starting my first early shift on a Thursday tomorrow. No more nights for me! I just wish my manager would have included my lunch breaks on the contract he sent me, so that’s annoying me a bit because I’m not going to accept it until he fixes it up. There should be an extra half-hour added to three of the four shifts. I’ll tell him tomorrow.

I then went for a walk to my usual park, which isn’t far from there, but it was a bit too windy and cool. Like, normally it would have been perfect but it was a bit cool for me by maybe one or two degrees, but it was so cool seeing everyone walking their doggo’s at that hour. So many of the dogs were playing with each other and rolling around on the dirt and playing dom- vers-sub, you know how dogs do without judgement :P
And of course the owners of said-doggo’s were chatting among themselves also. What a cool way to pick up! I need to get a doggo haha. I don’t think that huge building is pet-friendly though, I’d have to double-check.
Anyway, decided to walk home. It was good to avoid Andrew for a few hours too, as I’ve been doing. Then he said he could have used me today to help him put the final window awning up. I helped him with the first one cos he can’t do it himself. So anyway, I’m staying home this afternoon to help him put it up. I just have to hold the awning against the wall from the inside so that he can drill it in from the outside. We watched the Brazil Formula 1 race together as well, which was a bit of fun. At least he shuts up during that.

I went to my fav cafe today, after cashing in my $8 I won on that scratchie I got yesterday. I just exchanged it for a few new ones, why not. Anyway, I’ve found my book! So I ordered my usual, and used my loyalty card (since I’m generally there once a week) and was surprised that I’ve got a free coffee already. Then I ordered my usual and sat down to read the rest of my book. There were no booths available, as usual. Or then there was after a while, but my food had already arrived and it’s just a hassle moving.
Anyway, I was surprised to see Pauline sit down a few tables across from me. She was my temporary store manager for a while while ours was away, and she’s a real gem of a lady, always smiling and talking a lot and listening. Real management material. Anyway, she’s now managing the city store and she hugged and sat down across from a middle-aged lady. I could hear a lot of her conversation, because her voice just carries. It was only after a while that I noticed Callum was also there. He was my grocery manager before this blonde little queen came to my store, but I really miss Callum. Anyway, so then I knew something was up because you don’t have a store manager AND a grocery manager sitting down at a cafe upstairs with someone unless some shit has gone down. My work’s policy is that when there’s trouble, there needs to be a witness, and Callum was obviously that.
I couldn’t make it all out what they were saying, sadly, but I know from the party at Callum’s a few weeks ago that the city store has some real issues with staff (namely a bullying problem) so I can only assume that someone’s had enough and done something about it. I dunno. I tried to get the attention of them - we were pretty much facing each other across the cafe, but given the situation, I didn’t want to just be like “Hi!” and wave, so I kept my head in my book and just tried to eavesdrop a little. Didn’t really work. I couldn’t get the gist of the conversation, nor could I concentrate on my book.
I did finish it however. The ending was kind of mediocre. It didn’t really help me much more than what I’d already read. I can just take away from it the cool things I remember like helping myself physically but not doing the same mentally and such. I think that’s what stood out to me. I have my other book now which seems like a few steps back, and I think that’s what I need.
In the end, I ended up leaving the cafe first. I think they knew I was there but couldn’t take their focus off whatever this woman was complaining about. They both had very serious looks on their faces. So I just smiled, grabbed my sunnies and left.
I scratched the new scratchie when I got home. I couldn’t believe it when I scratched a $50 win!
That never happens. I’ll get the cash this time.
Friday night, I have a get together with my little group of friends (I don’t have many), so that will be nice to take my mind off things for a bit. And I have to meet the new 18yo 2IC at work tomorrow, so of course my anxiety is trying to freak me out about that. I’ve been told he actually gives a shit about the job though, so that’s a good thing I suppose.
One day at a time, Matt. I’ll find somewhere nice (and affordable) to live. I want to move mid-December but Andrew is expecting me to go early January. I’m just not sure when to give my ‘official’ notice. Maybe I’m looking a bit too soon. But if something like that under-budget rental comes up, I have to jump at it because I don’t want to miss out, you know? Some places advertise an ‘Available date’ but places like that were were just ‘Available now’, which doesn’t give much notice for where I am now. I guess that’s just the situation where people have to pay double-rent to secure a place. That other place I like is available now also. I just don’t want to get stuck here and I want to feel more grown-up, you know?

Last updated November 14, 2018