Grief I guess in 2018

Man,the grief comes over me at the strangest times now. And I suppose that’s what I get for not dealing with it for the last four months. I don’t know why I feel this uncontrollable need to be strong. Do not show any signs of weakness. Do not cry when anyone’s around. But since Chris is been gone hunting and work trips for the past few weeks, I find myself randomly just letting go. I fucking hate it.

I’m at the point now where I think it could be denial? I feel like it wasn’t her time to go yet. Yes she was 84 years old, but she was in pretty good shape. She’s had some rough times throughout the years of course, but nothing that got her…too sick?

I’m upset because I wasn’t there, I think. In my mind, what I pictured to stay happening, I was there, I get to see her on her last day, or be there when she passed even. Yes I was there the night before that she wasn’t coherent anymore, they had her so drunk because they had the heart paddle things up so high. I feel robbed. Does that make any sense? Like I should’ve been there, like that should’ve been me with her.

So I guess it’s a cross between denial and bargaining. Had I been there I think everything would be more real. The shittiest part is she was flowing out from my hometown to Sudbury Ontario And if were being honest I could’ve made it there. But Chris was at work, and I thought she was getting a pacemaker and being shipped back to town. That morning, my mother had texted the group chat saying that the pacemaker, well the temporary one, was put in with no problems. So I think I assumed everything was gonna be OK. And then she started Declining so quickly that there would be no chance for me to make it there before she passed away if I left when I found that out. So I guess I shouldn’t kick myself too hard.

It’s just that, that was MY gramma. you know? I’m a mother texted me that morning asking if I wanted to go on the plane with her to Sudbury… But I missed the text, and honestly I couldn’t go either way, I had to get the kids off to school and all that stuff. She was just afraid that she wouldn’t be allowed to go because she’s slightly overweight and it was a small claim. I should’ve gone, I should’ve answered that text, that should’ve been me.

My mother having to watch what happened to my grandma throughout the day, it’s something that she’s never going to get over. I think I could’ve dealt with that a lot better than she did, as it’s not my mother. My mother has been through so much already with my grandmother. I wish that I could rewind to that day and take that burden from her, take those choices that she had to make from her, take that pain away from her…

But I can’t. There I go being the strong one again. It’s probably just that it’s snowing, and the Christmas season is coming up, and I know that was her favourite time of year… We basically pulled out all the stops for her every year. I don’t know why my heart is breaking so much in this past couple weeks. I still haven’t had a really good cry about it yet.

Kristen <3