alrite. turn that record over. or. how i'm doing. courage. time love patience and time. not worth effort. be careful wish. from. sept. 20th. in 2018

once again. this is a bit of a delayed entry:

‘ or. how i’m doing.

sorry. i know i know. turn that record over lady. i’m slowly. starting to process this and understand why.

no exactly. this feels like a bad dream i want to wake up from. except that. i’m awake. so i go to sleep and that’s a reason why.

some people just don’t have the courage. to not do that. to not ghost someone. or the confidence. i’m not too sure what she was so afraid of. but the confidence thing makes sense. [or lack thereof actually.]. that part doesn’t really surprise me.

time ya know? it’s not what i want to hear but. yeah time. it lessens things. love patience and time. again. eric benet.

i um. i wasn’t worth the effort. [again to. to her not. not in general.]. what was i worth to her? i really wonder ya know? well curiousity [i used to know that spelling] killed the cat and then it brought it back again. so be careful what people wish for.

um. if it seems like someone isn’t all that interested in someone else. then yeah guess what? they’re probably not that genuinely interested. and not just dating wise. and if someone doesn’t have time to be in a relationship any kind. then don’t. oh. oh i get it.

time really. i should take as much time as i f**** need right now. and she might not care but others do. i’m not like. alone here. i’m really lucky i have that. even though it’s hard right now.

see. my plan. was to wait untill i got my own place to fire her. [but now that she’s quit. well.]. [yes here i go.]. would I have ghosted her? no. would i have warned her before? well. no. bc i didn’t want the pressure of her asking every now and then. of ‘ok when is this going to happen? tell me so i can move on w/ my life’. and then some time later her asking again ‘ok Anne has this happened yet?’ and then some time later. and then. well people get the idea. and bc i wouldn’t’ve warned her. in that regard. i’m no better then she is. and i don’t like that. yeah it’s not a v. good feeling.

yes. i know. move. the. fuk. on. [one person actually told me ‘move on’.]. i will. just not now. [and yes part of me is just saying that.].

ya know. i knew this wasn’t going to last ‘forever’ that’s not the part i have a problem w/. it’s the ‘how’. [yes. we know.]. People, have different goals and sometimes their goals change and they have new ones. and it’s good to have goals. the overall concept. like it. don’t like it. but it’s time to face facts. and enter. acceptance.

why is it that. we can’t see things clearly when they’re happening. or have good foresight. but looking back it’s like oh. shit it all makes sense now? no i really want to know.

<btw w/ that asked/said. some people do. have good foresight.

once i move on from this. i’m going to be.............i’m. going to be exactly as i was before. i’m going to set the world on fire. no it’s all about faith. and confidence. [no i’m not george michael. obvs. i am slightly greek though.]. it’s the in between time that sucks. [drinking and distraction helps. too.].

what a person i’ve become. wow. my god............i. wow. [no this is good.]. i’m, kindof emotional about that. happy lady. [well sometimes.].

no. ok so i’m not. doing myself any solids [favors] by seemingly endlessly going on about this. but at the same time. if i feel like it needs to be. externalised in some way. then alrite. it’s alrite to look. nothin wrong w/ that. just don’t stare. yeah. y’know?

maybe i should just become nonbinary. just swear off any relationship ever. ok before anyone says anything. i know that’s not how it works i know one doesn’t just ‘become’, nonbinary. but this is now the second time. a woman’s fuked me over. so. makes sense. again. chick here.

that time is never coming back. ever. those almost 3 yrs. i can hope all i damn well want to but. let’s face facts. it it it’s. .........ok. breathin. it’s a death. of time. a loss. of. time.

i just. feel replaced. like she set a trap and was just waiting for the right moment to pounce. freakin cat. [which is funny cause i love cats. oh cats......]. and. yeah i’m. i’m a little jealous. [green eyed monster gettin ya down? yeah.]. if there’s one thing my mom taught me. it’s never. ever compare yourself to others. [yes you, personally, the person reading this.]. that never helps anyone. we all have our different. things we bring to the world and. to life. tehe ‘fiddler’. no um. the american indians believed that. yeah well. easier said then believed. she’s a good woman that mom of mine. my mom.......

sore? yeah a little, emotionally. but i’ve stopped focusing on it. which helps. um. see i’m the kindof person who. something’ll happen and i’ll. process the hell out of it analyse the hell. out of it. and then put it to rest for a bit. like yeah alrite. that’s enough.

yeah pain teaches us not to get too close but is that really a good thing? well. it depends.

ya know. it’s ok to have a difficult time w/ things. but that’s no reason to swear off anyone ever. [or maybe it is....it depends. on the reason whether it’s good enough or not.]. #fullhouse s1 ep. 19. i want to be the male circe. women can’t live w/ them men can’t live w/ them.

what can ya do? well. poseiden and ariel were both leaders of the sea. er i think. what people [or at least i. forget is.]. they were both leaders. regardless of gender. [a bit more then bisexual no probably not. but i’m certainly feeling that way.]. why does everything have to be so. gender specific? well maybe it doesn’t. a woman left lonely, for example. [joplin.]. could be. about a man. hey plenty of men are left lonely. elvis knew that. [yes. that elvis elvis presley there another elvis? actually........yes elvis costello.]. at last somebody love they’re both. non gender specific and. i think they’re both great songs. yeah. i got this. i’ve really.........started to think about this in regards to my own, sexuality. on a more personal level. [as opposed to a less one i suppose. sorry. hi, i’m anne. i make jokes when i get uncomfortable.]. um. maybe there was more? #atlast #somebodytolove

ya know. i can control this or i can be controlled by it. choice is. [well and obvs.]. mine. yeah i feel bad about myself. but ya know. life. goes. on. it doesn’t stop for one person and. i wish it did. yeah but we can make it..........actually. we can’t. no what i’m saying is. we can take breaks. to deal w/e. whatever. but sometimes. those are really long breaks. depression for instance. is considered ‘a really long break’ and this turns into situational depression for people who already have it. like myself. it’s not as simple as ‘get up’ though physically yes. but there’s more to it then that.
what do i have control over? right now?..........currently.?...............what i do. and what i think. that’s really about it.

well what’d i expect her to do put her life on hold? actually........yes. yes. for me. not for her. for me. which she did for almost 3 yrs. and that’s. things were supposed to go my way. and that’s hard for me. and that’s ok. i just wanted it to be for longer.

maybe i don’t feel like i need to forgive her. if forgiveness implies seeing the person again. do i want to see her again? no. i don’t not right now. so why do i need to forgive her? for my own peace of mind. not bc of us. she made it pretty clear. through her actions that. she didn’t want to see me again. and it depends on how ok i am w/ that. then. don’t forgive her. if i don’t feel like i need to then don’t. but know this. it’ll make a lot harder for me to enjoy life. not. not impossible but. yeah. ‘