Coming Clean (this is hard) in The Crimson Permanent Assurance

Ok, this might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it is a huge issue to me and I've judged myself a lot over it, and I've been terrified of talking about it, but here it is. The alluded to shit that has been going on with me is:

Friday morning I had all my upper teeth pulled and a full upper denture put in. It feels ridiculously dramatic to announce it like that because I KNOW this is such a first world problem to be upset about, but I have felt so self conscious about even talking about it, let alone being completely upfront about it, but it's over and done with, and it's my new normal so it is what it is. Leaving my Type II diabetes untreated for years caused massive periodontal disease that I left untreated because I knew treatment was expensive and painful and I was ashamed and this is what it lead to. I was constantly in pain with my teeth, constantly paranoid about infections and breaking a tooth and finally I realized that this was probably my only option and eventual outcome no matter what. An let me tell you right away that dentures are not for sissies. Havin my teeth pulled sucked and it has sucked recovering from it. My denture looks pretty natural but I have a LOT of swelling from all of the procedures and it wasn't cheap. The upside is that I discovered that there is quite a supportive community out there for people who go through this and the people are so nice and so understanding and have not once made me feel judged for doing this. Tim has been incredibly supportive and so have the kids once they realized what I had done (I didn't tell them until after I had it done on Friday). The reality is that millions of people have to get dentures, lots for the same reasons as me, and it's not the worst thing in the world. I'm not as ashamed to smile anymore, which is a good thing, and even though life suuuuucks right now, it will get better.

I was so scared to even admit that I needed extensive dental work because in America, your appearance is what you are judged on, and who wants to be that person with awful teeth? Everyone had an opinion about that person. But, that was me, and I finally got the courage up to do something about it. It's been three days and no lie, this is not easy. I cannot eat anything remotely solid. I've lost 10 lbs in the last three days (not something I'm upset about though) and it hurts and I still have moments where I feel deeply ashamed that I couldn't take care of myself enough to keep my own teeth. But, this is me now. The fake teeth look a million times better, even with my chipmunk cheeks from all the swelling. I'm just so tired of being ashamed of myself. I'm so tired of hating myself for making all the wrong decisions with my health. In the end, I did this so I could be a little bit happier, even if it makes my life more complicated in the end. I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore. I just want to be able to smile and not worry about it. I want to be able to wake up in the morning without my whole face hurting. I'll take a lifetime of denture maintenance over those things, no matter who judges me for it. In the end, I put myself in this position, and at least I was able to get myself out of it too.

My dentist thinks I won't need anything on the lower part of my mouth for awhile, which is a relief, because it has been nothing short of torture to not be able to eat anything, at all. I hope that in a month or so, I'll be able to start eating soft foods again. Literally all I've had to eat since Friday is pudding, milk, cream of chicken soup strained so that there was no bits of chicken in it, and a yogurt. I am so hungry, but eating is just impossible. I don't know how long this will last for, at least a week, but it's really a small price to pay to feel good about myself again.