I checked out. FOR ME! in Since OD is shutting down....

I decided that the best way to me to move on and I mean REALLY MOVE ON consists of me only concerning myself with positive people and things and even changing my phone number so the ex doesn't have it anymore. I just think it will help me knowing that when my phone goes off it can't be him and that alone gives me some comfort. I just don't know why I've allowed him back into my life so many times when each time I do, he's more and more heartless, distant and the whole thing is just so toxic to me and does nothing but tear me down. I know now more than ever that I'm ready to move away from him emotionally and I know that I'm better off without him. I just feel so bad for how much everyone around me has had to hear about him and everything that's happened and that right there makes me not want to deal with him ever again. I feel so much guilt for having to put other people through my emotions and tears because of this person. It's just bullshit that I am a good girl and would have done right by him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he didn't appreciate any of it. It actually kills me that he's such a heartless, evil bastard and that I've wasted almost a year caring for someone that didn't care about me. I just need to be glad that it's over and that I have a new person in my life that truly cares for me and that doesn't ever make me feel like I have to fight to be a part of her life. She calls me all the time, sends texts and involves me with decisions. It's just crazy that I just may have found someone real who wants to actually love me back.

I've done a lot of thinking about it and I know that I'm ready to move on and leave him behind. I know that he's got a lot of mental issues and that he's a creep so someone else can have him and deal with all the same shit that I had to. I am just grateful that I've realized how much better off I am not trying to make things work and that there are people in this world that can give me what I need when he wasn't even willing to try. It's just sad that he's going to miss out on an incredible girl that didn't care about his past and would have created a beautiful life with him when I get to go on and live out my dreams with someone who wants something real and amazing.

I'm sad that I have to go back to work this afternoon. I missed it but I didn't miss being out in the cold and snow. This has been one hell of a winter and I plan to move once I get my degree. It just seems like the older I get the winters get more severe and I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm just so sick of freezing my ass off because I don't have a winter coat (since I "helped" my parents with $1,300) and they don't care. I have suffered in more ways than one because I stupidly gave them all that money. I am so angry every time I step outside and have to freeze. I just don't know what the fuck I was thinking giving them all that money but I do know that if they don't even try to pay me back I will be changing my number AGAIN and they will be crossed off. I've always been WAY too generous and giving and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. It pisses me off more knowing that they get to sit in a nice warm house all day long and I'm out busting my ass in the cold working for minimum wage with no winter coat.

I just can't let people use or take advantage of me anymore. It's always been a problem and I just need to stop helping people. Even when I do help them it really doesn't help them but hurts me like a motherfucker. I'm tired of being so giving and caring. It's just old. People just take and take until they've sucked the life out of me and they don't care. It's sad that my entire family is a bunch of fucking losers and I'm better off staying away from them. It's just sad that they are so toxic.

I'm anxious to go to work because I need money and want out of the house. It's been so nice to get a break from that place though. It looks like I'll be off on Wednesday but work Saturday. It sucks because then I won't have 2 days off in a row but maybe to get a break in the middle of the week will make it to where I'm not so tired by Friday.