The Courage of My Convictions in Everyday Ramblings

So I feel like there is sexual discrimination where I work. I am pretty sure that Saint Joe, who is 34 years younger than me but a strapping blond motorcycle riding guy makes close to as much money as I do, or will shortly. But more than that it is the fact that everyone defers to him rather than me. Particularly our boss.

Our boss was at one time a few years back part of the Lord of the Flies gang that was led by my current boss then, the one that stared at my breasts all the time. There is no hint of sexual harassment with my current boss, (he has an 8-month-old baby at home and just trying to get enough sleep) but he totally and completely is more comfortable with and defers to Saint Joe.

He won’t talk to me for weeks but comes in and talks to Saint Joe when I am at lunch or gone for the day.

This is making me resentful.

I talked to Mrs. Sherlock and another person about this last weekend and we were talking about what options I had available to express and address this. They did mention that it was possible that I was actually subtlety encouraging this behavior because my interpersonal relations with the people I work with are so bizarre based on the history of the Lord of the Flies Gang, the Evil Empire, and the upper level manager boss wanted me fired because I was pushing my big project.

We were also talking about the Kavanaugh hearings and I mentioned that this was a particularly intense time for me as person who had been victimized by sexual violence.

Mrs. Sherlock suggested I go to one of the #MeToo Circles forming at the church. I said I wasn’t ready for going that day but that I would check them out. What I didn’t want to do was go sit in a room with people who identify as women telling their stories of victimization. I wanted to do something about violence, harassment and discrimination against women. I wanted to take action.

My therapist person wasn’t available at any time this last week that I was available with my doctor’s appointment so I scheduled a session with her yesterday late morning. This meant I didn’t have time to get to church and back and talk to her. So I stayed home and watched the livestream while prepping veggies and making oatmeal and quinoa for the week.

In the meantime I had emailed the church and asked if it was okay if I went to the #MeToo support group even though I had missed the first one. I received an email back saying, sure, just tell the facilitators I had been added to the list.

So after I talked to my therapist I put on my too long new rain pants (they didn’t have a petite size available) that accommodate my relatively recent 15 lb. weight gain and walked to the church in the rain. It takes me a half hour.

It was so awkward, I got there and the facilitators are like no, we turned people away last week, there is a wait list. They were so nice. They wanted me to stand in the hall so when everyone got there they could ask all the participants if I could join and I am like no way!!! I’ll just go.

They kept me talking in the hall for about 10 minutes but I finally extracted myself and walked home. (I did meet this absolutely wonderful woman in the hall that had heard about my yoga classes from a couple of my students that go to a contemplation group with her.)

Later after I had been home awhile, our one female minister called and left a message apologizing. She also sent an email. She told me in the email that they were going to tell their stories yesterday. Eek.

I haven’t for a minute regretted having disengaged from the church for my yoga classes. I have been a member of this church for 20 years and I am very fond of many of the people that go there, including all my students that do, but I think I may be coming to the end of my time as a member. I think I am about to become a former member.

This situation yesterday was an unfortunate misunderstanding and miscommunication but there is just something about the focus and way the organization is run that doesn’t sit well with me. And I don’t have the time to do anything about it.

I need to be out there in the mix with people I admire taking what little free time I have available and using it to embody the courage of my convictions.

It would be great if how to do that became as clear to me as my commitment to honoring my inner pony is.

To quote the loathsome president of this country… “We shall see.”

Last updated October 08, 2018