nothings in Second 1st

Nothings changed. I told Jake last night that I feel numb.... he suggested counseling. I told him it’s more likely that I’ll just get over it than that we would manage to have time enough to talk to someone else about our issues. We are fine. I just got hurt. It’s not like it will be the last time it’s just deeper than usual.

I won’t see Rocky for the next 3 days except at 2:30am when he comes to bed. I’m cool with that. I don’t plan on waking him for work anymore. Nor do I plan to wake him for the last shot. I’m going to call my mom on Monday and see if she can come up and go with me. I don’t want to rely on him for that. If it didn’t just gross me out I would stop washing his cloths.... any dishes I didn’t make.... I can stop picking up at all because honestly I don’t make much of a mess.

i don’t want to go to work.... It’s really Rocky’s fault I feel this way the last couple days but I want the dizzines to get so bad that the doc says I can’t work anymore. I want to sit here and do nothing all day. I feel it but ya’ll know it’s not true.... I’m not like that.... I also feel like cheating but I”m not a cheater. I want to find some joy elsewhere.... something that makes me smile outside of home and hearth. Rocky is not going to provide anything.... work is a source of stress right now with training.... i don’t know man… I just feel stagnant and empty.... I thought I was doing so well and BAM .... it’s gonna take a bit.