Mountains, Voting, Training and Flashbacks... in Life as I know it...

Yesterday was the first day I didn't write an entry since starting my online journal. I actually joined the online journal community at a very weird time. I had just set up an OD account and when I tried to post my first entry, the site went offline. I carried on trying to post the entry for a few days and decided to do some investigating. I saw all the complaints and the uproar in regards to OD, so I decided to seek out greener pastures. Prosebox really appealed to me, so I decided to start here and I'm really liking it.

I decided to start keeping a journal in order to have somewhere to get all the spiraling thoughts out of my mind, but so far it has brought me a lot more than that. I am able to link current issues to those from the past and I can identify exactly what is causing me pain, as my entries tend to veer far off track and end up telling a different story.

My last entry was quite hectic, I was feeling particularly depressed, alone and sad that night. I still need to write part 3 of the "Familiar Place" story, but that will have to wait until another time, as I don't think I have the strength right now to delve back into that right now, especially with the most difficult parts coming up. I think I'll keep things basic until I feel ready.

I finished my voting registration for the upcoming elections in March. I was pleased to see that there was no queue and got everything sorted out relatively quickly. This morning I decided I wanted to go hiking. It is something that I used to do quite a bit, back in the day when I was extremely fit I would run up Lion's Head about 3 times a week. I was feeling quite anxious about returning to Lion's Head for the first time in a while, because I knew I wouldn't be able to match what I could previously do, which I would have perceived as a failure and really would have beaten myself up about it. Luckily, as I was driving on my way there, I saw the turn off to the parking area was blocked off by a police barricade. There were a couple of police cars and a bunch of cyclists. I don't know what happened, but I assumed it couldn't have been good. I ended up turning around and tried to find a different place to hike. I live in Camps Bay, which is surrounded by mountains from all sides. Table Mountain, Lion's Head, Devil's Peak and the 12 Apostles. As I was driving along, I spotted a path that I have seen many times on my way home, but never really thought about where it led to, except that it led into one of the mountains. I pulled over, parked and decided to start walking.

I really enjoyed it. When I go mountain climbing or hiking, I listen to my music, block everything out, zone out and focus my eyes on the path ahead. The few times that somebody accompanied me on a hike, they would always complain that I was walking to fast. I do walk really fast and with severe determination. As if I am walking towards something, or perhaps walking away? All I know is that it makes me block out all the negativity. I think I look quite pissed off while I'm doing this. I wasn't sure which mountain I was climbing. I think it was Devil's Peak. I skipped all the routes that seemed boring and went on the steep and rocky paths. I think I was about 3/4's of the way up when I decided to turn around. I started feeling a bit anxious and I had to go register to vote soon. I really enjoyed it and by the time I got home I was feeling very fulfilled. I think I'll make this a regular thing, but I really hope it doesn't become an obsession again. I'm going to try my best.

I know I've lost weight, because I am starting to see the top 4 abdominal muscle blocks starting to pop out. I am still refusing to weigh myself. I don't want to start obsessing over that again. I don't want to get back into that whole bodybuilding lifestyle again. It destroyed my life. I am also trying not to obsess over my eating times. I used to have everything planned out, including weighing everything out. I felt myself being dragged more towards that old habit and I decided to stop immediately and also start to eat more. I'm feeling a lot better and I have more energy.

The work situation is still really frustrating me. I can't believe that it's going to be another 14 - 20 days before we open. I don't know what the hell to do during this time. This also makes me afraid that I might start obsessively training again. At times, I've already started to think of how I used to train and I get carried away with it in my mind. I do not want to set foot in another weight room again, because once I start, I'm afraid my old lifestyle will just take over again.

My stepsister has been visiting this weekend after her first week of uni. She is really enjoying it and I get really anxious around her when she talks about Stellenbosch. I don't have good memories of that place and even the most insignificant remark about it makes me feel incredibly anxious and think back to that horrible, horrible time. I have so many bad memories and so many terrible experiences... I'm veering way off topic again and turning this entry into an essay, so I think I'll stop. I'm going to go make lunch and watch anime while I eat. I'm really enjoying this Yu Yu Hakushe series, it's awesome.

Thank you for reading. Have a lovely day. Adriaan