listening to adele and drinking. in yes i'm aware it's 2016. july 19, 2016 in Evan

‘ which i’m not btw. but i feel like i should be. but i won’t. cause of how private i am. and this house is big vertically but not really horizontally. this is the 2nd time i’ve said something about this. I don’t cry around most people even if they’re asleep.
I remember. a few times. when evan was well i think he was sleeping in my bed [well i mean not the one i have now that’s so ginormous and technically isn’t actually ‘my’ bed. um no the other one the one i had. which i still have actually it’s at my mom’s against the wall of my room. um anyway] yeah so I was up of course and it’s something like 1 in the morning and I was in the bathroom crying. and later that day or at some point after he goes ‘were you crying?’ ‘yes’ ‘awww’. the times when. [well this entry isn’t going the way er the direction i expected it to] . i tell him i can’t or something like that.that’s when he gets sweet and sad. but like when I tell him what happened to me. er about it rather. [or, as my friend Mark calls it ‘that’]. he’s not angry about it. evan i mean. and I want him to be.but maybe I only want it cause i don’t have it. but also. my friends should be angry about what happened to me or at least show some kindof emotion. but evan’s.not really emotional about stuff........about my past. no only about his. i know i’m angry about it. and maybe i’m expecting too much here maybe i’m not. but. it is a big thing so. the bar winter sex.......that.thing.
i remember.well it only happened once.We were in my bathroom and i was well i’d been drinking so i was probably drunk. but i looked at him and i was so scared. and it wasn’t just bc i was drunk. i remember the proximity of him. i’ve never told anyone that. oh god.
a bit ago on fiction press. well i uploaded them to fictionpress. i um I wrote the memories I had of us in the form of stories. if anyone wants to read.........i can.........i’ll put them here.
anyway yes back to adele. and crying. i just feel.like people would know and then someone would wake up and like confront me about it and.yeah it’s this whole anxiety thing my anxiety stops me from crying.in that way like that.my anxiety stops me from doing a lot of things actually.every damn day seemingly. it drives me fukin crazy for one.
but yes.adele. it’s just it’s so fitting.......I used to do that drink and listen to music.well 2 songs in particular neither of which were adele. but adele’s deep and not of this world.and so fitting and connective right now. it would just be me the music and the drink.and the solitude.and the privacy. and the. cause why not.
but sometimes.drinking that much.well i know from my own experience and goes w/o saying [even though here i am ‘saying’ it]. that that isn’t good. and it wouldn’t be just 1 drink. no i’d drink to get drunk.which means I might not have wine something harder. i realise of course that the only one stopping me is right now mostly. but.
well here we are. listening to adele and drinking but i mean not.just a scene set for later to be entered into at some point. ‘