My coffee's mud, made sand from a swirled stream of creamer.
The menu's blurred. From a gram of heroin, 90 mgs of oxycontin, and one pbr.
My mood is sour, from so much sitting and staring.
Watching people, watching people watch people.
Wishing I was one to stare a conversation, instead of waiting.
I want to dig my eyes out.
I have no friends, and can't seem to make any. The ones I thought I had are now actively avoiding me. I know because they're shit at hiding it and lying.
And I know better than most that negativity doesn't attract birds half as well as a fire attracts moths.
I need to stop judging myself by the quality of company I keep.
The community I consider myself to be the center of, can't construct a new me.
I need to fall in love with the mirror, and take a break from seeing new faces.
I need to clean myself up and find myself in all the right places.
I can't even write worth shit any more and I'm too apathetic to do anything about it.
I hear that apathy is one step from death.
So when I said "maybe I'm so close to death that it doesn't matter" I wasn't saying I'm going to kill myself. I was saying I don't care much about much at all.
And of course, I'm alone and going to sleep.
I need to quit talking to people, in general.
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