well what was wrong w/ this level?/and we're back here again. in yes i'm aware it's 2016. may 20, 2016 in Evan

‘ so i didn’t see evan yesterday. and nor did i see him today. er not like we’d planned anything so. and had he surprised me........well it’s not really a surprise if I know about it. but no i just don’t like that i didn’t see him at all. i mean he didn’t tell me ‘ok so yes i’ll see you Thurs.’ but he didn’t not........say he would either. see this is the problem. he’s fukin not consistant. er inconsistant i mean. sry. The whole point of seeing someone is to, you know. like actually see..........them. like I thought we were together but i guess we’re not since I never see him [like no. i literally haven’t seen him in almost 5 months. on Mon. it’ll be 5 months] and he said something like if it makes me content to like cheat on him or w/e he’d understand. yes but that’s one of the reasons i don’t want to is bc of that devotion. and also. I know letting er go of him is the only way i’ll be like open to meeting new people [well. i have no problem meeting them it’s getting to know them that i don’t want] but I don’t want that cause they might leave me too. so. also i met him at my bar. and I don’t go to that bar anymore. when I met him no one else except us and Pat and the people who were there that night knew about it. and that’s what i liked about it. um.
It seems.w/ him bringing up the us living together thing that.he wants to take it to the next level. but.........that doesn’t like.that seems a bit impossible since i’m not like.actually seeing him so that doesn’t make any sense. but i mean really what was wrong w/ this level? well for me nothing i’m ok w/ this level. [which again i should really tell him. no i will it’s just the waiting to].
yeah the other night when he called and he was talking about it he’s like you know i love you’. and yeah i do and i love him. and i think he partially feels a responsibility towards Pat. evidently and i might have written about this before once when he [evan] and Pat were talking about me Pat said ‘we have to make life better for her’. well Pat did just by being. sure maybe not like physically or anything [actually that’s not true. the last night i was at his place he saved my life]. but i mean.......yeah he did.
See evan knows i’m in services. [mainly cause he’s the one person i hate keeping things from]. and I feel like he thinks he needs to take over. and make things better for me. recently [well actually it was in dec. i think but it sure seems like recently] he said something about that and I textmailed and was like ‘i know you want to help but please don’t get involved in this. it’s really not your thing to get involved in’ or something. and so he called me and he’s like ‘we’re not going to fight cause we don’t need to.but i didn’t like your text’. and that was it. also whenever we fight I get all worked up about it and then I get scared that that might be it for us so.and really that’s not how I want to leave things w/ him it really isn’t. i know i got really sick once a little over 3 yrs. ago and evan was there but.i haven’t gotten that sick since. and maybe he feels like ‘oh i need to take care of her always’. look i’m not a plant in the words of ellen from her tv show. [not her talk show now her tv show back in the ‘90’s].
ya know that bob dylan song ‘make you feel my love’? yes it was orig. by bob dylan. lovely song. well that’s kindof what I feel from evan. and yeah part of the reason i’m like ‘look i’m not a plant’ is cause of how scared i am.no this is absolutely terrifying. Love [well in my opinion anyway] is one of the greatest and most powerful forces on earth. and it scares the hell out of me this much love.this much outward expression of it.it’s not bad for me but god is it scary. and when i get scared i get uncomfortable. and so I run in some way physical or otherwise. it’s just what i do.i run. see addicts are great at that.
Well see.if he wants to make things better for me then.he needs to find some way to make that happen. i’m at my mom’s every damn wk. where most of the time he isn’t. People want things to change? well ya know what.they’re the ones who should make that change. It’s funny that i’m saying this bc I’ve been that person. at stephanie’s i was. My last night there well.i made a change.and i got myself kicked out. [oh and threatened btw]. and ya know what thank god. [i mean not the threatening part obvs. no the getting kicked out part]. cause i didn’t want to live w/ her any longer. i didn’t have much of a problem w/ anyone else in the house just her. but anyway. That’s my example of.that.
He should be the one to stop drinking and come and see me. or he should stop getting caught drinking. right now it’s almost like I’d rather see him drunk than not see him at all. he can show up drunk, stoned, rained on, w/e at the park.er at my park.just so long as he shows up. [well sure i say that now cause i haven’t seen him in so damn long. that might change..........]. no but really. I did my part.
ya know a few yrs. ago.and i don’t like admitting it cause i’m not er well i’m not proud of it.but i was that person.w/ my mom. there were a few times when i cancelled things bc i was hungover. only i told her ‘something came up’. [well it had]. and i hate that. i mean she’s my mom ya know? and damn. so yeah i’ve been that person. but it still makes it hard for me.
and i know that.going back to what I mentioned above.er um that. just being doesn’t seem like enough.and yeah maybe it’s not. People say it’s the thought that counts and yeah it is.but at the same time that’s not everything to be completely honest. like if a friend wants to give their friend a flower.or w/e. And they tell their friend ‘well i meant to give you a flower but..........’. yeah sure that’s nice and all but where the hell is it? [wow that makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch.wow]. No it’s just.it’s so easy to say things to say we’re going to do things. and again.been that person. But to me.that doesn’t mean a whole lot w/o action. or ‘this coffee’s terrible’ ‘i’m sorry’. no in the words of ‘becker’ make better coffee.next.........time. like don’t tell me you’re sorry when it’s already happened. Tell me you’re going to [or that you’re not like that’s ok too] make better coffee. like don’t be sorry be effective damnit. see that’s why apologies don’t mean much to me. like i don’t care if you’re going to make better ‘coffee’ or not.i care that.er............you tell me whether or not you are. like it’s ok if you’re not that’s fine. [i’m of course using ‘coffee’ as a metaphor thingy here. and ok i think we get it].
i’m not good.at when someone’s upset just sitting there. no see i’m the person who gets up and gets them water and tissues and hugs them. [er not like that’s a bad plan cause at least it’s not like i’m sitting there and ignoring them not saying them or anything]. But no my point is.i’m not good at being still when i’m uncomfortable.as i’ve eluded to above. and so i move i run i...........[wait i’m a dancer. er well i still consider myself one] and dance, as ridiclously obvious as this is going to sound.is movement it contains movement. i think if i were a form of wordage [i’ve completely forgotten what it’s actually called] i’d be a verb. ya know there’s like ‘snowing’ or ‘running’ or ‘taking’ or w/e. cause i’m always moving. except th verb would be ‘Anne’. this came from a jodi piccoult book i once read the one about the wolves [?]. good stuff.
anyway talking about moving. well i’m done w/ this entry. and also i’m hungry so. ‘