looking back at anger in Second 1st

It’s not even 3 yet. I’m ready for bed. Super tired.... and it’s dark out. I made a tuna-rice casserole instead of pizza because after I made the dough for the rolls I didn’t want to make more. Just kinda been a low grade slope. The casserole will be great for work so no biggy. I’ll try again Wednesday.... for me.... pizza for ME is a big effort lol. I haven’t made it to the DP yet (diamond painting) because I spent a tone of time trying to find any kind of mention of Jake in LiveJournal. I can’t log in.... and after reading a ton and getting angry with myself ..... I’ve had enough of reading.... and I’ll just have to take whatever Jake says as truth. I remember a few really good things.... but not many.... it was a lifetime ago. Destiny and I figured out that the last time Jake and I had flirted with the idea of us was when she was 19.... so before I was married.... before Jim broke me..... Before my first LJ post. I would check myspace but again can’t log in.... I remember I spent some time transferring things to OD.... and had exported all of that when it shut down and we moved here.... but I’m not up for it now. A task that will take to much out of me and give me very little in return currently. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll try but not today.

Today I’m angry with myself.... after reading about how angry Randy (the ex husband) and that unfortunately being reflected on Destiny..... so I’d be angry with her over stupid stuff. (She lived with us for a time then)..... but a lot of things I would complain about would also ring true for Rocky. “He spends 90% of his time sleeping. I’m lonely. No matter how or how much I tell him, he does nothing about it.” .... it’s an actual quote.....

sigh but I’m older and I keep thinking that’s just maybe how it is.....

Whatever..... it’s the rain..... it’s the dark at 3pm.....

Things are all caught up here..... I had to clean yesterday hard core because there was a smell.... turns out someone missed the trashcan with some raw chicken scrap and it was rotting on the floor where no one would see it. I’ve laid out some Apple Cider vinegar with dish soap in it to attract gnats and now that’s what the kitchen smells like. This is what happens when I don’t clean..... this is not the quality of life I planned on when we bought this house. This is disgusting. It’s not at all me either. Not like me.... I smelled it when I came home Thursday and couldn’t do anything about it till yesterday. Obviously it’s cleaned up now and I’m gonna trash the AC vinegar with dead gnats in it Wednesday.....

Called about the Support Group she responded via FB. Just wanted me to shoot her my email so I can be counted. So I’m in on that. I’m still excited but now there is time between now and the first meeting..... so.... there is that.....

Guess I’ll go get some time into the DP like I promised myself lol…