let the sky fall in 2013-2014

My pride really doesn't want to write about it, let alone say the name.

At 8pm, 4 hours before deadline, I dove in at the beginning. At August, 2001. I flipped through, noticing the slow maturation of my writing style, the easing of comfort until I was perfectly honest. I saved particularly meaningful entries to condense into an abridged diary. I got through 2006 before I hit the deadline and tried to re-download, one more time, just in case. It didn't work, but I had downloaded in December after my last entry. That said, I couldn't sleep until I had verified the completeness of that download. For awhile I was incredibly nervous that I had lost all of 2013.

I noticed a couple of things about myself. I noticed that high school was as brutal and nasty, if not more so, than I remembered. I noticed that I handled it exceptionally and I'm very proud of my teenage self. I'm so in love (is that weird? not good wording) with how I dug deep into my own strength, God's strength, and psychiatry's strength to get through it all and walk into FSU. For once, nothing made me cry. I noticed that some of my sensitivities--feeling unnoticed and unheard--are documented thoroughly all the way back to 2001. Reading all of that, through the lens of now... would I ever imagine that the previous best friend who hit me and screamed at me and said all of the cruelest things she could think of would later invite me to her wedding? (I didn't go because I couldn't afford it at the time, but still.) That I'm on more or less speaking terms with my old friends, sometimes after a thaw, but I'm still not talking to my classmates. We're FB friends, but that's it. 10 years later. I think I wasn't as disliked as I felt, but peer pressure ruled all. No one really joined in with the bullying, but no one said or did a thing (except for a few instances) to stop it, either. My teachers were my biggest supports.

But probably one of the biggest impacts as I read, as I watched relationships progress and degrade, as I watched what I put up with and what I didn't, any sort of male relationship... I didn't have nearly the friendships that I thought I did. I'm on friendly terms with Zach and Kris nowadays, via FB only, but haven't heard a single thing of anyone else. No one else has sought me and I'm perfectly happy with that. I look at my one not-quite relationship, and I look at my current relationship, and they're incomparable. I wasn't respected, I wasn't loved, I wasn't nearly what I was told to be. Not deceptively. He just... couldn't. Or wouldn't. I don't know. I don't care enough to dig any deeper. It just wasn't what I thought, and I'm completely comfortable with letting something that never really existed fade away into oblivion.

But it was still enough of an emotional impact that I had Aaron call me later that night, after he finished his gaming, just so I could tell him I loved him and to thank him for putting up with my flailing and failing early on.

I also read about crying when I got my acceptance letter from FSU (it was a guarantee, but still) and my frothing excitement to audition for the marching band and the intensity when I marched my first show against Miami, and the time I stood up UF as a high schooler. Those were... those were good days, and if I'm ever as overwhelmingly happy as I was on those days I'll be surprised. It wasn't just a college. It was a dream come true and a sanctuary standing with open arms, and 5 years after graduation, it was everything I had hoped for.

Back in real, present life, I've been productive.

Thursday I tackled all my problems. I called my health insurance company to order the ID card that never came. I called my cable company to get my service outage refund. I sent my only pay-website an email about a lack of access on one page. I went to the orthopedic clinic to take on their inability to process my insurance. I went to the urology clinic to inquire about some ambiguous billing. The ID card, cable refund, and urology bill were all successful. The jury is still out on the orthopedic clinic.

Work was also... special... on Thursday. By time I got home, I was so high strung that my foot was aching and I backed out of dance class so that I could curl up with a bottle of wine and my OD entries from high school. I finished the bottle off (drank half). I didn't realize that I had graded Russian homework until midnight when the guillotine came down (and probably bounced a few times from lack of sharpening, knowing Bruce).

Backing up further, Jan. 27 was my birthday. I turned 27. Yay? It turned out well. My boss, Ken, brought in a ton of Chick Fil A breakfast items that he had gotten from somewhere, and my student worker Zach had a BOGO milkshake coupon that he split with me. Then I got home and my Internet promptly went out. And TV. Everything. When I called tech support, he said in broken English that the soonest they would be able to get anyone in was Thursday. This was Monday. To which I said oh hell no. I took a nap and called back later, and talked to an American who actually tried troubleshooting. He rescheduled me for Tuesday.

Tuesday came and so did the snow. (See: SnowJam 2014 Atlanta is a clusterfuck on the best of days. Then they got 2 inches of snow, which promptly melted on the warm concrete, refroze as ice as the temperature dropped, and all of those cars without any sort of winter gear on untreated, hilly, twisting, highways full of ramps promptly got stuck. I'm about an hour outside of Atlanta, and when I saw the snow outside start sticking, I went home. I had another hour at work, but hahaha no way. (And yes, we all ran outside at least once to try and catch snowflakes on our tongues.)

At home, I had no Internet (cable guys called and wussed out of coming)--but I have a digital camera and an aging dog who LOVES snow. Wednesday was a snow day, so basically for two days I cozied up in my box fort and took Sheppy outside to take a couple dozen pictures. They are below. :) Thursday we had a delayed start to give the ice some time to melt off the roads. The Charter tech came out and, in a very unimpressed manner, told me that a tech had come out on Monday to disconnect one of my neighbors and disconnected me instead, and that he would be having a few words with the tech in question. I tested my net, rejoiced, ate breakfast, and went to work. Having Wednesdays off really rejuvenates the work week.

All that week I worked out, a lot. I'm solidly on Level 3 and my toes were pretty sore from the jumping and planking. On Saturday it mellowed out, the snow melted, and I went for a long walk. On Sunday, I hit the exercise bike, and came home with a distinct sharp muscular pain in my right foot, right along where the previously sprained ligament attaches to my foot. Whoohoo, overuse injury! I don't think it's plantar faciitis since it's not really my heel at all, and it's muscular and warms up quickly. But walking to class Monday hurt pretty good. It's just about better now, but I've stayed off my foot as much as possible this week. I didn't dance, but I did do the bike today. Went a good half-mile further without a time increase. :) Yay.

Today I went shopping and had a good time of it, between the savings, NSYNC on the radio, and the FSU fans in Publix. Then I biked. Then I ate. Then I did my taxes. I freaked out way too much about my residency status, although I don't owe anything, so I don't think it really matters. However, I'm getting back enough to cover my move to Charleston, plus a buffer! GOD IS REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS. I'm so excited that I'm calm. As soon as the money comes in, I'm slapping it in a savings account. YAY. That's a giant burden off of me! This winter's power bills have wiped out what I've managed to save since August.

In relationship news... this distance thing and mediocre Skype connection is awful, and it needs to end. Literally the only thing keeping me here right now is my beloved class. I found a higher paying job and a cute house for rent when I was doing my regular market checkup, and it was agonizing. We're practically chewing our arms off. He applied for that job I found, because if I can't have it he should, and texted me that evening to tell me that he had listed me as 'fiancee' in the reference field. Aiafogja;fg. On the phone today, I said that it was kind of like early on, when we realized we were dating and should just call it and make it official already. We just keep stumbling into these things. But the ring is going to happen very soon--it's just waiting on some stocks to clear and rain some cash on his head.

[cue Golddigger]

In the meantime, I have a bored dog, and I should work out a little more tonight before I shower.

Pictures! Sorry that some are blurry. It's hard to photograph while running. And they're kind of out of order.

Raccoon tracks!

Bouncing in a circle. :)

Aaand tired, time to go back in. There's a Lena cameo there, too. :)

The downside of all that frolicking is that it really aggravated his mild arthritis, and he spent the next two days waddling and creaking and making sitting up to be a 3-step process, and he slept a ton. I don't think he particularly minds. :)