a bird may love a fish but where would they live?/you make it real for me [evan news] in yes i'm aware it's 2016. may 19, 2016 in Evan

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so evan called. last night. from detox [again]. [i swear the situations he gets himself into[. which means he’s here thank god. i worry about him really. [not. like anyone’s protesting that, or anything. um]. No i’m actually quite relieved. w/ his lifestyle and how much he drinks and his hep.........and the fact that he has depression. and probably ptsd. i just don’t know sometimes. He says he was brought back there [again]. like he doesn’t do a whole lot but i imagine it’s rather time consuming. it’s like being on the beach. [not that i go]. There are some people that just go and spend time there and don’t actually like.do, anything but it’s somehow time consuming. interesting how that happens.
anyway.
so we talked about Shakespeare. and a bit about Pat. and I told him I’d gone to SF and what I thought of it.
He was saying that he’d been thinking recently about the fact that he’d dropped out of college. a little over 3 yrs. ago which yes i knew. cause that was right around the time we attached to each other. and that he was sad about it. He’s like ‘yeah if i hadn’t dropped out i’d have a life by now’. He wants to take care of me cause he was saying that.he’d have his own place and we could each have our own bedroom.and he’d cook for me. We’ve been at that place before. like once a couple times. but i mean. sure it’s a nice thought and i guess in some way i do appreciate it. but it’s not that simple. I can’t just.pack up and randomly leave. even if i wanted to go on vac. by myself it’s. well there’s planning involved. we’re from 2 different worlds. [yes just like in ‘titanic’]. i esp. can’t just pack up and randomly leave and move in w/ someone like him. which as much as i don’t want to admit it is one of the reasons i haven’t. also, given he himself doesn’t have a place to live where the fuk would i go? sure if he was staying in a hotel or something maybe.........and like even w/ running away. i don’t have a place that’s just mine to run away to so. which honestly is one of the things stopping me as much as i don’t want to admit that either.
ya know. a bird may love a fish but where would they live?
oh wow. i don’t want him to stop caring exactly i just.want him to realis it’s unrealistic and it’ll never happen. yeah sure if i was off SSI...........but honestly i like being on SSI. other than the rules. but i don’t think most people like rules regardless so. no i have no problem w/ him caring about me this much. in fact he’s the only one who tells me how much he does. i just........yeah.
and honestly. and this is a fact i really don’t want to admit. it’s in an indirect way starting to feel a little ‘beauty and the beast’. [i didn’t have any other examples]. a little........controlling. i know guys usually say what they mean and if they don’t they’ll tell you. i hope that, he knows that when i get my own place he can stop by anytime. but it’s not like ‘ok so we’ll have 2 bedrooms’ kindof thing. or maybe........maybe it’s not like that at all. maybe he sees it completely differently than i do. so maybe i’m wrong. and maybe..............it’s just.it feels like a lot of pressure whenever he brings it up. i should.tell him that when the time is right.or write him.or somthing, about..........that. ‘