New normal in 2018

It’s so weird to try and think back to before, when he wasn’t here. I kind of can’t imagine how I ever just went to work every day and my head and life were so full of that. I do get some time out, I’m back playing roller derby which is really good because you can’t help but entirely focus on that when you’re in the moment, but I’m even more terrified of injuring myself now than I was before so that makes it hard. I’m struggling with that a bit but I don’t want to give up and whilst I’m not having to factor work in as well I want to make the most of this time to try and keep playing whilst I have the opportunity.

We’re going on holiday on Monday, we talked about going to a canary island but I just couldn’t cope with the stress of all the stuff I need for him and worrying about baggage weight limits and heat and car seats and water and sterilising bottles. So we’re doing a totally cliche UK holiday in a log cabin in a forest, it looks beautiful though and I’m so excited! Arthur is still teeny and he doesn’t care for much but he LOVES the trees at my mums house so I’m excited to take him on forest walks! It will just be nice to have Jonathan with us for a week and hopefully unwind a bit.

My anxiety has been in hyperdrive for the past few weeks. About the baby, and something happening to him, but also about other things. About me, and if something happens to me what will happen to him? I struggle to eat when I’m in the house alone because I have this fear of choking now and obviously now I’ve thought about it I can’t stop and I struggle to swallow. It’s horrible. I just want to be able to relax.

It’s late and I should be sleeping now. He’s asleep but wriggling away in his bedside cot thing. It’s so weird to think he was wriggling in my belly not so long ago and now he’s here being a proper human! He’s so cute. I know I’m biased, but he really is! He has the most beautiful eyes and expressive face and he’s such a cheerful little chap. I’m so lucky ❤️