I really don't know what I'm doing. in Since OD is shutting down....

OK so I met this girl of a dating website that I've been talking to for the past couple of days. She's a lesbian and just so much fun to talk to on the phone. She calls me baby, is very sweet and wants to plan a day together on Wednesday, provided I can get the time away from work. I just don't know what I'm doing or what I expect out of this but she's an amazing person. I know that I've been straight up until this point but I do understand why people go the other way. I've been taught that I'm supposed to be with a man but what if I find a woman who could give me what I need emotionally? That no man has ever been able to provide? I'm not against dating a woman and wouldn't be afraid to tell people that I am. I've already talked to a couple of my friends about it and they are more than accepting and supportive.

I wonder about the decisions that I've made and will make in the future. I miss my ex terribly but I do accept that I will not get my fairy tale that I wanted oh so bad with him. He's still a very big part of my thoughts every single day but those thoughts make me cry so hard and I just don't want to focus on that hurt anymore and start focusing on other things and people who don't make me cry and can actually handle being nice to me. He really fucked up my thoughts and has given me a serious complex. It's going to take me awhile to forget about him and the shit he put me through. I honestly wish I would have never met him. I just wish I would have left things where it was because I was FINALLY starting to let go of the hurt and starting to live again and not feel so empty. I just wish I knew what I was thinking when I texted him my new number because now that we've spoke and saw each other, I feel like I've gone back into a hole that I don't want to be again. I know it's best to let him go and that's what I want. I am ready to move on and find someone who actually wants to be a part of my life and wants to have something real. I just can't help but feel like I just wanted it to be him. He's what I wanted. Sometimes I still feel like it's possible if I don't give up on him but I can't hold on to something that already let go even when we were still together. He doesn't want to be fixed.

It's been 6 months since we broke up and I still feel just as much hurt now as I did then. I feel like I will never completely get over it and that's what scares the shit out of me. I can't handle feeling this same shit anymore. I know that it's time to let go of it. I just feel like if I hold on to it long enough, that he'll come back and tell me everything I've ever wanted to hear and we can plan our life together. I just feel so crazy and stupid for saying that but it's how I feel. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can honestly say he broke my heart and obviously doesn't care and as long as I allow him into my life he's going to keep hurting me.

I have been off work today and tomorrow. I like it because I get sleep, get to relax and can stay warm. I just hate not being at work because then I'm not making money and it drives me nuts. I just got off the phone with Jenn and she freaked out when I told her how I have to take Tylenol PM every night and she said that I need to ask myself what is so wrong with my life that I have to be taking it but I just don't think she's ready to really know my life and what makes me the way I am. A lot of my problem is my constant worrying and I am just always scared that things are going to fall apart and I'm going to lose myself or the things around me that I care about so much. I know that I need to change my thinking but it's hard when I'm alone so much. I am just a prisoner of my own skin and I'm sick of it.