Water is a reoccurring theme in my life. Weird. in In My World

Today feels like water.

Too much rain, too many puddles, an ocean, teardrops, heavy fog, dew in the grass, Squirt’s wet beard, a pond where a field used to be.

I can’t even explain why because I got a lot done today. I fed everyone this morning, had the boys out twice (so far) which is a huge improvement from having them use puppy pads for a few days, I got Doodle on time, I went to the bank and walmart, I took a few naps with the baby, and I came home…er…my moms to order my textbooks. I feel foggy. I feel low. Like I shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed but I do anyway. Before leaving the house to grab Doodle (I live across the yard from him so I just walk up and carry him back down.) I threw on Ali’s hoodie because I woke up cold and needed the comfort. I almost reached for one of Protector’s but it didn’t feel right.

God I miss him so fucking much some days. Others I have this awful feeling like I make everything about losing him because I need reasons for things. I know it’s not true and I know that it’s okay to miss him all the time but I just feel weak. small. fragile.

I guess part of it is Max, but honestly I think I’m too in shock to cry about it. I’ve been waiting for months for the call but it feels out of place now. Makes me worry for the other old animals in my life.

I was avoiding writing this section because I tend to avoid talking about him because I know he reads my entries but I don’t really care anymore. Maybe it should have been it’s own entry.

I want Protector to come home. He’s been really busy trying to get the other house straight so he can get his things moved and so it’s okay enough for his sister and her family to move in but it’s hard without him here. Things are tense with just us girls. I am responsible for all the animals besides Lizzie’s cats which I don’t mind at all, it’s just easier when he’s here. He thanked me yesterday for “taking care of my children” and all I thought was that they’re ours now but I don’t think he’ll ever see it that way. I try not to complain about them too much but I also want him to know how they’re doing and when it comes to the big dogs…well…they kinda go hand in hand. Everyone else is easy. Roxie paces for a bit some nights but like last night she slept under the blanket nestled right up to my stomach/top of my legs so it’s all worth it. She reminds me of Pork and sometimes it makes me want to cry so I just make sure I pay lots of attention to her and spoil her when I can. The rats are easy, I feed them and they’re happy. I’m working on getting them a better cage and someone is selling one for cheap but because one of the shelves looks bent or broken I’m going to wait it out some more. The cage they’re in is fine for now but later I think it would be better suited as a birdcage once we take all the shelves out. Bun Bun is wonderful. He only chews on this one wire so it’s easy to keep him away from it. He’s mostly corner trained. He desperately needs a bigger cage because I can’t give him the amount of free roam time he needs but he’s alright for now. If it wasn’t for Roxie he would probably be my favorite. He even tried to hop up onto my bed the other night to cuddle/explore but he missed and it was about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. They make me want to get better. He makes me want to get better.

There’s a post going around on facebook this week about how everyone has a different love language and I was telling my mom today that I need to learn to decipher his. It took me a long time to realize that him being a sarcastic asshole is a defense mechanism and if he’s joking with you like that, he’s trying to show he cares about you. It took me a longer time to realize how he shows he cares about me. He makes sure to message me another time if I don’t respond. He checks in on me. When he’s here he’ll flick me or poke my head or other weird little things like that. When he stays with me and Roxie he’ll spoon her until I lay down and he makes sure I’m comfortable. Even sometimes in his sleep, he adjusts when I move around. One day I was just laying in bed because I’d had a long day at work and listening to Pearl Jam. He messaged me “Where go” from the other room and I told him I was in bed so he asked if I was okay. Well, when I didn’t really answer him he came and laid down with me only he grabbed me around my shoulders and around my stomach (I was facing the wall) and pulled me into him and squeezed me tightly. I can’t explain how because I’m not even sure but he calms my anxiety. The only example I can think of is that when I’m really anxious when we’re out and about I’ll hold on to his arm just above his elbow and he always tenses when we walk by a bunch of people. Like “Hey, I’m here, you’re safe.” and I’m not even sure he knows he’s doing it. When I start crying he’ll just hug me closer and let me let everything out. When we watch movies he’ll either put his arm around me, hold my hand, or he’ll put his hand on my leg and move his thumb back and forth. That’s something else I think is second nature to him but it means something to me. Those are all the things I can think of that I’ve noticed or at least all the ones I want to remember so I’m writing about but I still feel like I don’t know what his love language is. Mine is fairly obvious, I’m vocal about everything.

I’m honestly pretty worried about him. We’ve barely talked in a few days. I hate to feel clingy but I know how much he’s got going on and I know how he’s been handling it. He’s gonna give me some crap about how he’s the king and he can handle anything but I know him better than that. I know all the shit in his life is weighing on him. I also know that despite what he says he’s worried about how his family is going to fair when he’s not around all the time anymore. He say’s he’s fed up and done with their bullshit but I know better. He’d never admit it, not even to himself, but I think that not living so close to them scares him some. He knows that this is the better option for him, his animals, and his family, but I can still see the worry in his eyes. I know him better than he does some days.

All I want is to help with all the bullshit but he doesn’t want to let me. He is so used to doing everything on his own and I doubt if he’ll ever let me help. Then again it might cause him more trouble than it’s worth the way his mom is. I would like to spend some more time around his sister though. I like her despite how ridiculous I know she is.

Whelp… This has been long winded. I keep a journal to remember the stuff going on in my life at any given point and also as a way to vent or heal. I’m not going to avoid mentioning people I know will read my shit out of fear anymore. Fuck that.

In other news my sister, who I don’t really talk to much, messaged me out of the blue today to ask me if I’m okay. It’s odd but I like that we’ve been talking like normal adults today. It sucks to worry about someone you can’t really talk to. I know we don’t get along well if we spend too much time in close quarters but idk. Maybe this will be good for us.

I read through all her entries on here and I’m really happy she’s finally in a place where she’s feeling better. One thing did make me cry though…

I know she and Ali had their grievences but when asked if she’d give an hour of life to the last person she lost for a year of hers she said she’d give me one more hour with him. I can’t fathom how she’d go from hating him to wanting me to have more time with him but I never expected something like that out of her. I know it’s just a dumb hypothetical question but still. It means a lot to me to know that she cares about me that much. It’s easy to forget sometimes.

I should be ordering my textbooks right now but instead I’ve been sitting here typing this entry. It’s easier to sit here and ramble on about all the things when I have my laptop. I can’t wait for us to finally have wifi because for 1.) It’ll be a billion times easier to work on school stuff and 2.) I’ll be able to actually write out daily updates and stuff. I know I’ve been writing a lot lately but also a lot has happened that I haven’t written about so it’ll be nice to be able to write whenever.

I feel somewhat better now that I’ve rambled on a while but everything still feels like water.

I’m tired and I just want to stay in bed for like a week but I’m going to get some stuff done once I get home tonight and then tomorrow I hope to wake up at a reasonable time, take the boys out, and get more done.

Sunday Boyfriend and I are taking Texas and Luffy to this doggy fun day thing at the park near us so that should be fun too. I like taking Texas wherever I can. I want him to have as many new experiences as he’ll tolerate. We’ve seen the easter bunny twice now, hoping he can see santa this year too. I’m glad I have Roxie now too because I can take her for things like that. Doggy day is too much for her because she’s blind and half deaf but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind meeting Santa! Guess I gotta ask Protector first… but still!

Goodnight and thank you for reading my ramble.