Familiar Territory in 2014

The time in between arriving to Georgia, and joining Prosebox, I avoided OD because I was ashamed. I would lay in bed at night writing entries in my head that I never actually wrote. I was ashamed of how much we were struggling, and how this dream of how I thought life would be here was actually not right. But most of all I was ashamed of the anxiety and depression that continued to plague me.

And I have failed to write here all week because I feel these same familiar thoughts again. But I am going to push past them and put this site to good use.

I have plenty to look forward to. My mom, grandma, and brother arrive here on Wednesday. I feel like for the three weeks they will be here life will be normal and easier. Scott only has one remaining week at work before he starts his new position. Our tax return is not quite as hefty as we would like, but we have money coming!

But on the other hand, knowing who is coming to see us, painfully reminds me of who is not. And it really makes me think of home. For a long time now I have said, that I miss my family, friends and Disneyland, but that I had yet to actually feel homesick. I am so homesick it hurts. I can visual driving down streets that were apart of my everyday life and I want to cry. I want so badly to walk in the sand at Huntington Beach, and to eat in my favorite restaurants. Most of all, I want to hug my dad so badly. I miss him.

And waiting for a new job, and extra money, just reminds me of how badly we need breathing room financially, and the toll it has taken on me. And on Scott. I.Just. Can't. Wait. For. It. To. Be. Over.

I am anxious about what we are going to do with our time when my family is here. I want them to be entertained, but I also just want them involved in my everyday life. They are coming here for such a long amount of time, and spending a lot of money doing so, I just don't want them to regret it. I cleaned all but two rooms of the house today. I'll do the other two tomorrow, try and get laundry done, and then we will be cleaning the carpets and touching up the paint on the walls where Ian has done a great job scribbling.

And I just have to say this because it has been occupying my thoughts and holding my emotions captive, but I have baby fever. I might actually want to have another kid. I was so sure I was done after Ian, but something changed moving here, and I think I want to do it again. And then the next day I don't. All I know is that I look at newborns, pictures of me pregnant, and baby clothes from my kids, and my heart aches. I'm not even going to go into all the debating that I do with myself in my head about it, but just know it's kind of crazy. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I'm exhausted. I need to go to bed. Hoping I sleep better tonight after writing some of these jumbled thought out. Sorry if they don't make any sense.