Analysing my Restlessness in Days of My Destiny

This was typed about a month ago, and I only just saw it was sitting there as a Draft. How does that even happen?

Written in a book at the park this afternoon...

This town. It does things to you. It's a bit of a love-hate thing at times, depending on the waves Life is giving.

I belong with you You belong with me You're my sweetheart

Ah, love.

Where to go? What to do?

This restlessness from within can only be quietened from within.

I'll be fine, settled, happy - and then bang, I trip into an unforeseen hole. But you know, writing is incredible, together with the afternoon breeze and not a soul around.

When I was 18, single, childless and planning not to change any of those, I was a lone, muted stranger overseas, in a city full of others like me. We were all strangers. Immersing myself in my music, like now, I would write. Observe. Write some more.

I need a lot more of this in my life. A LOT more.

I feel like this town has taken me in but has nothing to offer. I wonder if that's how the locals might feel at times?

I don't seek entertainment. Although it would come in handy more often, sometimes it's solace that I seek. Where is the balance?

Sometimes I need nothing more than company. Other times I need more than that. Sometimes I need the specific company of somebody who knows me truly and loves and accepts me just that way, no judgment or agenda. No tightrope walking, not knowing if this or that person will see me in a different light if I say something or do something. Sometimes I need my sister. Sometimes I need my mother. Sometimes I need my friend T.

Today it's just me and my music. And Tim Tams. It seemed fitting.

Shiftwork throws me lately. Life seems stale. Routine, same thing, day in day out.

What happened to chasing my dreams? What are my dreams anymore? I see with a blurred focus, just doing and living, doing and living - never LIVING. Truly living!

Some conversations bore me. Mainly money ones.

It seems like everywhere I go the more I see, the less I know But I know one thing: I love you

I miss the girl who dreamed and daydreamed.

I miss the girl.

The Girl.

I suppose in a few ways I still am the Girl. I try to compromise, living a life of responsibility and dreaming. Raising children and lazing about. Luke is the grown-up, hinting that there's shit to be done, get over yourself, get on with it. He doesn't say it, maybe he doesn't realise he thinks it. I think he thinks it, he's just not aware of it. He's all go go go, get things done, pay bills, think money, think money, think money some more. Get up, work, live for the weekend, enjoy life in the spaces in between. In the bits that come after tidying up. It's not often he meets me at my level, but when he does, oh hell yeah I love it. It's not even that I'm constantly thinking about our differing levels of consciousness and living. It doesn't bother me most of the time. Because, well, it makes sense that he should live the way he does - HE'S the worker, he's the one fitting in relaxation when he can. He's the one who has downtime as a leftover.

(I've had 7 Tim Tams. Have not had that many in a row for at least 5 years.)

But my level..................... is sweet. If I had no children, I'd be a complete bludger-hippie. And maybe working. If I were working, I'd be the bludger-hippie in the bits in between. But I don't work outside of my home. No outside force dictates that I should even get dressed, and so I live lazily, using self-discipline when I feel like it.

I do well in balancing it though: the laziness and the housekeeping. It's the Raising Kids that makes me feel the way I do. It always comes back to that.

I know for sure that I did not weigh motherhood wisely before having fun, unprotected lovemaking with my husband. Certainly not in the same way I see other childless women my age weigh things up. I don't think you can ever be truly "ready" for children, but holy fuck, I was still a child when I had my first. I just didn't know it.

Maybe that's why I get like this. Feeling old, reminiscent, feeling restless, needing to get away. I feel it less as I grow up (slowly), but I am still that Girl. She pops up from time to time, rebelling against staying in the past and long forgotten.