Happy and feeling okay in Since OD is shutting down....

My last entry I started a few weeks ago and completely forgot about it until I tried to make an entry and it was there so that’s a start of one.

I’m definitely doing better with things and truly feel happy and feeling more comfortable in my own skin these days. I ended up not doing the school thing because I was just afraid I’d be taking on too much and owing even more money truly changed my mind. I still owe a few grand on my student loans and didn’t want to add to it. I’ve gone down to working 4 days a week because I was getting burnt out and it’s nice to have 3 days off in a row to clean up the house, run errands, spend time with my daughter and get a little more of a break from my job.

I had a strange message request about a month ago from BD’s girlfriends best friend and basically it was him and the girlfriend wanting the truth about my BD and wanting to hear my side of the story. I hit the main points but straight up said that she’ll figure him out just like everyone else does. The guy told me that my BD would have her on the phone without me knowing so that she could hear us argue, he told her I only want him around my daughter when I want sex, that I couldn’t afford my insulin, that my child is only fed fast food and we live in filth. I can’t tell you how angry I was to hear this information but I have also developed a very thick skin towards all of this because he’s ALWAYS going to paint a very ugly picture of me because it’s easier to make everyone believe that I’m the bad guy that using any energy to get his life on track.

I have since blocked everyone associated with him on Facebook and will not waste any more energy defending myself because otherwise I’m going to be doing it for the rest of my life. I have already wasted WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY with this crazy fuck and I seriously just can’t do it anymore. I sometimes ponder what I have done so wrong to deserve any of this but also understand the guy is fucking nuts and that’s on him. Just because things are said that I don’t like, doesn’t mean that I need to worry about it. Not everything deserves a reaction. I told a couple of my friends about it and everyone felt that I should have confronted him but what’s the point?! You can’t have a logical conversation with him and I would just end up even more lit!!

I think his life mission is to make mine as miserable as he can and honestly, he has and now it’s time for it to stop. After everything he’s done and telling people my child lives in filth, that’s the icing on the fucking cake. All I do when I’m home is take care of my child and clean. I just got done washing all the towels and bedding yesterday and today I did dishes, took out the trash and cleaned under some furniture. Even when he’s been here, I’m cleaning. I don’t know how the fuck we live in filth. My OCD doesn’t allow it! Like if I don’t have time to get certain things done before I go to work, it drives me crazy all damn day! I’ve worked my ass off for the past 2 years to make my house look like it does so whatever!

I guess his girlfriends Mom works for CPS so I think he was just using her to get some kinda information. Well if he was that worried about it maybe he should call them!? I don’t see him doing that because he knows he’s full of shit! All I can say is I’m done. He’s not seeing her again without a court order. Every time this motherfucker is around it’s nothing but drama, chaos, and conflict. I’m sick of putting up with it and I refuse to my daughter growing up in it. I don’t know what the fuck is seriously wrong with this guy but I will not allow him to hurt me anymore.

Because I’ve grown up with my parents always being very negative, I’ve learned that I’m like that too so now I don’t let the small things ruin my day and have gotten a lot better of staying positive and upbeat. I’ve wasted a lot of my life being a bitch and if I’m pissed off, I’m not okay until I take it out on someone. I was having a bad day early last week and managed to stay positive and noticed what a difference it made. I have a lot of reasons to be positive and I like being able to go about my day regardless of what bad memories pop into my head or worrying about why my family doesn’t make effort. I can say I truly live for today and enjoy every moment I get with my daughter.

Since this last time he’s been around and the conversation I had with his girlfriend’s friend, I am more convinced now than I ever have to never contact him again. It’s time to go our separate ways and just let it be. I used to blame him for everything but at the end of the day, I’m the one that’s allowed him to come into my home and be abusive to me. I have no one to blame for that except myself and I just can’t see myself trying to co-parent with this person anymore. I don’t even care if he sees her at this point. There’s nothing left and that’s okay. I’m not angry anymore, I’m not sad anymore.

The last conversation I had with him he kept talking about me wanting to fuck him and I asked him 3 different times about arranging for him to see his child but he kept talking about how I’m jealous and I want him all to myself. I wasn’t going to feed into it so I blocked him and haven’t spoke to him since. I sent the conversation to the guy that was messaging me to PROVE that I’ve tried to have him see her and yet he turns everything into an argument!

I have a hard time believing that he cares much about his daughter because he goes months without even a picture of her and when I try and reach out to him, he doesn’t ask about her until I mention it. They say narcs can’t love their own children and it’s impossible to co-parent with them because all they care about is themselves and thrive off drama. I’ve read a lot of about this online and I’m convinced that he doesn’t care about her the way he should and we will never end up in a good place for the sake of our child.

Another thing is it’s hard for me to let go of the things he’s done to me. He moved to another state a week after we found out I was pregnant, was just mean and nasty my whole pregnancy, wouldn’t sign her BC for fear of being responsible for paying CS, has continued to say every thing he can muster up to hurt me and then STILL can’t figure out why I stay away from him. It’s just crazy. He’s never shown me any level of respect as the mother of his child, has never shown any compassion or empathy for me and what I’ve gone through to find her a good daycare and pay for everything long before I got CS and even what I spend out of my own pocket every month for her.

He is truly the most fucked up person I’ve ever encountered and it’s more crazy that he’s the one I chose to have a child with. I’m angry that I have to protect my child from him and his family. I completely take my part in all of this and all I care about is raising a happy, healthy child and taking care of her. Everything I do, I do for her. She is my top priority and always will be. I’m sorry that I can’t give her the best Daddy in the world but I’m also not going to give her one that doesn’t really give a shit either. When I talk to him, he’ll say just enough for me to let him come over and then once he’s here and is comfortable, he starts being mean again. I just can’t allow him to affect my life negatively anymore.

I truly feel that I’m moving on and healing from all of this so after going months without contact and then he’s around again, it’s counter-productive for my mental health. I like being able to just live my life and be at peace with everything so letting him come around and fuck that up is foolish.

He’s basically a 12 year old boy caught in a man’s body that refuses to grow up and is incapable of being a parent. I think that he would be really happy if I said okay I’ll get rid of the protective order, you can come around when you feel like it and I’ll keep dealing with your abuse. He would probably be thrilled to death. He’s mentioned me getting rid of the PO and I just will not do that. He’s not done anything to show me that he’s changed and I’m too worried about what could happen should I get it lifted. Plus he still hasn’t gotten any kind of help and for me to get rid of it is basically saying that him threatening to kill me when I was pregnant was okay.

I have always put my daughter’s happiness above my own and that’s why I’ve allowed him to come see her but I can’t handle the way I’m treated. He can’t say anything even civil when he’s around me and his argumentative bullshit is beyond exhausting. I don’t know what exactly I’ve done because I’ve let him live his life like he wanted so I need to live mine as well. This guy has robbed me of so much joy, peace, and has pushed me to within inches of my sanity. I’ve done enough to try and co-parent.

Until he gets help and is not only emotionally stable but has his own place and a car, we will never get anywhere. He’s offered to watch her but at my house and I just don’t feel comfortable with that at all. I don’t like anyone alone here. I’ve had too many bad experiences with that and I shouldn’t have to suffer because he doesn’t have his own place.

One of my friends said that he just wants to make my life a living hell and I’ve allowed him to do that. I no longer will. I’ve realized my worth and know that someday I will find the right guy and someone who would never talk to me the way he has. I don’t deserve it and I don’t want my child growing up witnessing his crazy. If he chooses to take me to court, I’ll lawyer up and take that bridge when I come to it but I know he’ll more than likely never do that because he’s too selfish to be a Dad and have scheduled time with her.

I look back and realize how much time I wasted wanting to be with him right before I had her and even a few months after, and I just wish I could have that time back. I didn’t deserve the way I was treated and if I keep letting him treat me poorly, I’ll never be able to completely move on. I’m happy and no one is going to take that way from me.