Sometimes Life Moves Too Fast in My Fucking Feelings

And I feel like I cant keep up. My son is amazing. Hes learning things that kids twice his age have just discovered. He is so mature. I am so proud of him.

My new boyfriend, hes amazing too. He acts just like a husband and father, like that dream guy I always asked for. But is it too good to be true? I have a hard time believing that hes actually a gift from God just for me. What did I do to deserve someone as great as him? There must be something there that I dont see. Nothing ever works out this well.

And still my thoughts of J haunt me. I’ve considered writing him another letter, but what good would that really do? I wouldn’t even know how to deliver it. Even if he does read it he wont respond. I know I need to keep my distance a while and trust God to out the pieces together. But it doesn’t stop me from missing my friend.

My mom is less than helpful with this courtship thing. She doesn’t even know what that is. Everytime I ask questions about her and dad she just skips the answers and goes straight to unwelcome advice about what I should not do. This is why I cant talk to my parents. They only hear what they want to hear. They are too busy trying to control my life to sympathize and listen to me. This is what I mean when I say it seems like they don’t care. It’s not that they dont love me. It’s just that they dont know how to be a friend, a family member I can rely on and talk to. They are too busy trying to live my life for me so I wont dissapoint them for the hundredth time. Why do I keep trying?

I’m so sick of feeling like I cant talk to anyone about the things that really matter. Everyone. Even the closest, most loved people in my life, cannot handle the deepest pieces of my soul. So I keep them to myself so I wont scare the world away. I wish J was here so I could cry at him and then maybe we could talk about something fun and take my mind off it all. But it may be a long while before I get my friend back. Its rough.

Planning birthday parties
Working
Navigating a new relationship
Leading a household
Trying to keep up with a mountain I’d schoolwork
The house falling apart

It’s all just going so fast and I have to keep up. There’s no time to rest. I feel like I’m expected to be super human. Is adulting always like this?