Entry #1 in Journal #1: The Real Me

I recently discovered that I can control my emotions way more than I thought.
The things like anger, and those subtle feelings you feel when you hear a song, the overall little blunt emotions that I feel even laughter.
I can mute them.
And man is it empty, way more empty then things have been this past month. It’s interesting how calm it gets I can tell the difference.
Sometimes I even do it on accident.

I love control, I’m glad I figured this out.

Today mom came home from work as usual.
She was cooking popcorn on the stove.
Above our stove is a cupboard she went up to reach for something and her shirt was awful close to the flame.I thought it was interesting and didn’t think about warning her.

She looks down and realizes her blouse could have caught on fire, and I laugh so hard.
Mom comments on my dark sense of humor.
It was truly the funniest thing that’s happened today, and I laughed even harder when I thought of her catching on fire and freaking out.

I like mom, she’s my favorite. But my innapropriate bouts of laughter have no bounds.
I like to laugh, amusement is the one thing I feel very well (anger too).I’m truly a giggly mess at times.

Afterwards I told her that she’s the only person I like and she says “You love me too right”?

She was so worried, she needed conformation which I wanted to laugh at too. But I didn’t.

I know lately she’s been worried about my lack of remorse and overall attitude towards everything.
A few days ago she and my sister disagreed with me on something and I knocked all their food down on the floor and spit in their salad.
A few days after that I made a joke about molestation, and before that at a funeral I nearly broke out into bouts of laughter because I saw somebody almost trip (that person was mom)
Then yesterday I made a joke about physically abusing my sisters unborn child if I ever got to babysit them and how nobody would ever know.

I find everything I say hilarious, but some things are not well received.

I know I can act terrible, I know. I don’t care, but I surely know.

I also reflected on my childhood today.
There’s a plethora of reasons why it was all wrong. But I don’t really care now. It seems like it all happened to a completely different person.

There is one thing that triggers sort of genuine but brief emotions and maybe even tears, like children being yelled at or mistreated by adults. It ties in with my past.
Honestly it makes me want to find a toddler and punch them, it would be like filling up a hole that’s been breached.

It’s like how some serial killers would do what’s been done to them, to their victims.

Not that ya know I actually would.
I’m committed to not entering a juvenile court again.

But that little spark of emotion only happened to me once, it might not happen twice since I’ve learned how to switch things on and off.