MY HARRY! in Living off the Grid

I down loaded my diary and decided to print it off. I still have to print off 645 pages. I'm going to run out of printer ink. Printer ink is so expensive. I don't know if I should just let it be. So I have decided that I will pick out my favorite entry. What about Harry

The most important entry that I wrote was about the death of my father which was so unexpected. I was trying to find it but my time was up.

----My Harry,    November 19, 2005

"I believe people are brought into our lives for specific reasons. Some people come into our lives to teach valuable lessons; some come in to comfort us, others to make us stronger people."

When I read this today, I instantly thought about MY HARRY. I once wrote an entire entry about him but it was lost in the GREAT OD HACK. So tonight I have this urge to write about him again. I don't want to lose my thoughts, musings about him--he means so much to me. He is one of my favorite patients. He touches my heart deeply; we have a very strong kinship. For instance, today I was sitting next to him while he was laying in his bed for his afternoon nap. I said "Harry what is it like is to be 90 years old?" His brow lifted and a smile wiped across his face and he said "I'm really 90 years old?" "Indeed you are" I said "how old do you feel Harry"? "25" he recounted. "I'm 25 years old". It's moments like this that keep me going in this hell hole place where I work. I stay for Harry and for the other sweet patients� have had opportunities for other nursing jobs at newer facilities with the same pay and less work. I had applied for another job--beat out 16 other well qualified nurses but I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't leave him. It wasn't my time to leave. Harry gives me so much strength and comfort. It's like we were brought into each other�s lives to help each other-our age difference means nothing it's all about the human spirit.

Harry is now in a later stage of Alzheimers Disease--and has lost his ability to walk, and is unable to bear any weight- did I mention he is blind too. He describes me as a very. pretty dark shadow. On his good days he will sing out at the top of his lungs "I see London I see France I see some ones underpants He is usually in a cheerful mood but there are many days that he is stricken with severe anxiety. These are the days that I must give him 1mg of Ativan. If I don't medicate him he will pick at his scalp and make it bleed. The caregivers notify me and I come quickly to help him. I always try other measures before I sedate him, like reading Mother Goose rhymes to him, or conversing with him about when he was a child, how he met his wife. We talk about his career as an accountant or the time he almost crashed his boat into a dock. I have even arranged for him to listen to books on tape that are provided by the Blind Society. I lower the speed of the tape recorder --a slower speed of voice is more hypnotic for him and will help him relax. His anxiety is worse now and I'm not with him 24/7 to be his friend and comfort him--and you know this just really makes my heart so heavy. The other nurses and caregivers don't really pay much attention to him, too busy doing other things. So Harry will yell out "help me-help me" like a broken record. The other nurses are very quick to medicate without trying other measures first--they just don't want to deal with him. This is way I'm hurting so much tonight. I know that the Administrator and Health Director want Harry to move to a Skilled Nursing Facility. We all know what will happen there--they will keep him sedated. I don't believe in chemical restraints! I only want the best for Harry. I'm so torn up right now!!!! Harry's family is very concerned about what is happening to him, they have witnessed his neglect, and an all around decline in care standards for him and others alike. Many family members have complained to me about the neglect--I have become very diligent but sadly it seems that the other employees have been desensitized to what is happening.

In my Native American Culture, we respect our elder population to the upmost highest..so you can just imagine what I'm going through right now--it's killing me! I just don't know what to do--my tears are coming quicker now and I have also been so sad. I will miss you Harry rest in peace now I hope you fly with the angels now.