I am stupid. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Software engineering makes me feel stupid.
I must be stupid.
I am stupid.
Hello, my name is( { myName: “dumb person” } );
yeah…whatever…we’re not here to talk about that though…or are we?

Oh, looks like we are.

This latest project that I’m supposed to be building is a full-stack application built from scratch…and I’m like, “Who the fuck builds a full-stack application from scratch?”

const fullStackApplication = {
whoBuilds: “Dane builds”,
whyBuilds: “Dane crazy”,
whyCrazy: “So many reasons”
};

if (“Dane” === “crazy”) {
console.log(“It’s time to take a good long look at your life, my dude.”);
}
else {
console.log(“You’re doing fine…keep going.”);
};

for (let i = 0; i < 5000; i ++) {
console.log(“You’re doing fine, keep going”)
};

Oh my god…that’s just like…the tip of the iceberg though, isn’t it?
Now we’re getting into that backend shit and it feels like someone’s all up in your backend.
don’t it?
Yeah, it don’t.

One day I will build a great website that people will love to look at and write their feelings in and it will be so super fun.
It should probably also have porn because I guess that’s what the internet is about.

Actually, in all reality, it seems like the internet has become about so much more than porn in the last few years, which is awesome…because when the internet was first created it was about so much more than porn…and then there was this…like…ten year period where the only thing the internet was good for was porn…and I feel like we’re coming out of that finally and the internet is good for so many other things…like…well, Pokemon Go.

I can’t think of anything else besides Pokemon Go right now.
I don’t even like Pokemon.

Well fuck my head.

…

But, seriously, I feel like an idiot right now…I cant write the code I need to write right now.
I tried talking to my dad tonight, but all he did was give me some lecture on why I shouldn’t be a victim…which I found really strange because I still don’t really understand the correlation of “I must be stupid” to “I must be a victim” but…I mean…thanks dad?
I guess?

I’m so glad my parents had kids…they obviously loved eachother and had a great handle on life and they SO OBVIOUSLY wanted to have kids because they have just cared about us so much.
It’s great.

If I ever have a kid I will definitely take care of it as well as my parents did…I feel like it would be super easy, all I have to do is guilt and shame it and tell it I love it and then go do a million things that have nothing to do with my kid and basically ignore that kid…and then I’ll get mad at that kid for not automatically knowing how to be a functioning member of society without me having to give it any guidance.

DONE.

Now, who wants to get knocked up?
I don’t have a sex drive so I’ll have to take some boner pills, and I’ll probably think the sex is gross, but I promise I can get you pregnant and then we can take a little shot at this whole raising a kid thing. Who cares if we fuck it up, that’s what learning is all about.

…

I think I just made myself bored.
Like, literally…I was writing that last sentence and I just became so bored with myself that I couldn’t even handle it…I’d rather throw up right now than deal with myself for another second.

The worst part is that if I was throwing up, I’d still have to deal with myself.

Gross.

…

I’m so sick of beer.

There’s that.

…

“good morning to the cops
good morning to my upstairs neighbor.”

Yeah right, man…yeah right.

…

Okay cool.
Thanks.
I feel like this entire conversation was a waste of time.
No no no, it’s not your fault.
It’s always my fault, I promise.
I’m a fuckup.
Put the blame on me, I can take it.
That’s how I have always operated.
I’m okay with people thinking I’m a piece of shit because I think I’m a piece of shit.
Get it?
got it.
love.
love for you.
love to you.
love always.
-Dane