The Wide Water And The Life Beyond Life in Breathing Lessons

I see both sides of the here and now, and conversely, I see what's out there beyond this plain of existence. I stand on the shores of life, gazing across the water at the other side, where death lies, and where our origin rests. This is a unique and strange position to be in, but here I am, because that's what my life has done to me.

It's like this; I suffer from a chronic condition, one that without constant treatment would take my life from me. I live as long as I continue treatment. If I discontinue treatment, I will die; this is a certainty.

This puts me in a place where I can see both sides of existence--the one in which we reside here on this planet, put here to love and care for one another--and that place which lies beyond the here and now, another world, another way of being, where everything is different from anything we can possibly conceive. What's more, I can choose to go there at any time, and I don't have to commit suicide to do it, which by the way I would never do. All I have to do is tell all the medical professionals that I figure we have done all we could for me, and it's time to let go, and let nature do what nature does.

In weeks, I would most likely be gone. My body would slowly poison itself, the affects being something like an overdoes of Morphine. I would simply slip into a coma, and glide effortlessly from this life to the new world which awaits all of us, the origin of life itself to which all will return. All I have to do is decide that the quality of my life is such that continuing on is unacceptable, and one day I can see myself making that decision. As long as I can fend for myself in this life, and am not a total burden to others, giving up and letting go is out of the question. That is the case right now, but it won't always be this way.

I have consciously chosen to life, to remain in this life as long as I am able. I am willing to endure hardship, because I'm used to doing that. I have had an eventful life of good and bad, and hardship and roadblocks to my happiness have been a part of daily life for most of my fifty-some years on this earth.

My mother, God bless her, blames herself for this, because she contracted German measles while carrying me in her womb. The fact that this happened fills her with guilt, a guilt that she need not have, because she is guilty of nothing. I mean, the fact that she contracted an illness that would forever have impact on the life of her unborn child, her first child, was beyond her control. it was beyond anyone's control, so where is she guilty, and of what? The answer is; nothing.

Yet she still blames herself. She said to me once while I was in the hospital over a year ago (for the third time in as many months!) "If I hadn't gotten sick, you'd have a better life."

"I have had a good life, Mom. I have you to thank for that good life I blame you for nothing. In fact, I am grateful to you and Dad for the wonderful life I've had, and am still a part of, here and now. Stop hurting yourself over this."

And still, she feels the guilt.

So I don't burden her with what I know--with my having seen this side, and the other side, of life, that I have looked across the wide waters and seen the origin of life and eternity, that I know it is all good, and that one day, we will all be there, in whatever form we might take when we arrive at the threshold of forever.

I love who I am, what i've been, and where I'm going. It's not tike to leave, and yet I am in this unique position where I am aware that I have control, and I can choose life, or to let go of it. Now I consciously choose life, but one day I will just as consciously, choose to leave it behind me and cross the river into the other side of life.

This knowledge is not mine alone; anyone with a chronic life-threatening illness knows these things, has seen across the wide water, has experienced the vision of the beyond, and is aware of how much control they have over being here or leaving for there. We are, in a sense, kindred spirits, bound by an epiphany that perhaps should happen to no one, or maybe, should happen to all of us, sans the chronic illness, that is.

I know that some people might be appalled after reading my words. "How can anyone think of bringing about one's own death, or entertaining the thought of standing by while a loved one makes a decision to no longer be here? Isn't that God's choice to make?" I don't understand that kind of thinking; This isn't about God-made choices, for after all, what's moral about insisting that someone stay alive and suffer and undetermined length of time? Don't preach to me about morality, or justice. After all, God's idea of morality and justice are most likely far away from our perspective on these matters.

It's a terribly beautiful and confusing world in which we live. I mean, we are kind enough to let our beloved pets take that journey from this side of reality when they can no longer live without living in misery. We love them enough to not want them to suffer. Why can't we feel as much love for one another? I really can't wrap my head around that one. Letting life go is not a matter of suicide or murder or whatever you want to call it. This is essentially the ultimate act of love. As a song by Sting says, "If you love someone, set them free."

And one day, I will set myself free, whether you or anyone else likes it or not. When my life no longer allows me to be anything but a waste of space and air, then it's time to check out, be gone, let go, and face the light that shines on all of us, the light of grace that is freely given to us by the sentient energy that some call God, some call Allah, and any variety of names that I haven't the space to mention here, but which are just as valid.

We muddle through. We get by, the best we can, and for now that's all ask of myself or anyone else. Life is good, but i am always aware that it won't always be that way; it's not always going to be beautiful or painless. One day, when the pain becomes too great and takes too much of a toll on the soul, it will be time to depart, and i believe even God would agree with me, because after all, God is about love, not about should-be's and such. It's all about love and acting out of love.

And until that time comes for me, I am here, and here is where I belong, because I have much to do before my time to leave has come. This is my life, and I cling to it, even as I gaze across the wide water to the other side of life, knowing that I have seen forever and know that I am at peace with it. The thing is, I'm not ready to go yet. All i mean to say is that I KNOW. For now, that's enough, just to know, and have faith. The end is not so near, and even when it becomes near, the end is not an end, but merely the place from which things begin and from where evolution has its origins.

It is a gift to see forever. I wish everyone could see it. I wish everyone could see across the wide water, and know what I have come to know, for it brings me peace, and peace is what I wish for everyone and everyting.