It's kind of weird how I've fallen into gratitude. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I’m listening to “A City By The Light Divided” by Thursday.

I’ve only ever listened to this album once and I wrote it off…now I’m sitting here, re-exploring it and really enjoying myself.

I had a little bit of a breakdown over this last week…I just got fed up with so many aspects of my life…it felt like I was spinning wheels for a second there…it felt like I was losing everyone in my life…I had that little micro-dose adventure that was very emotional and I faced some really hard truths.

At one point I realized that I don’t like who I am on these medications…and then I began to think about who I am off of the medications, and realized I don’t like that guy either…and then I started to think about all of the terrible things I’ve done in my life, and I felt a lot of sadness and regret.

…that’s behind me now.

I just got off the phone with my best friend in the entire world…he lives in Utah, and he just got done doing his third Ayhuasca ceremony and he was telling me all about the things that he learned on this last journey. He truly sounds different…the things he was saying to me, were totally unlike him…or…should I say they are more like him than I have been hearing lately.

These last few years he’s been so sad and so dark and depressed…not the Alec I know at all.

But today he sounded like he’s back and it filled me with so much happiness…and it helped me to take a really good look at my life and where I am right now.

I’ve been beating myself up so bad lately, and I just realized that it’s ridiculous to be beating myself up.

I’m actually on a great fucking path right now.

I have a job that I like, I mean…I am sick of waiting tables, but I make decent money and I love the people I work with, so it’s really not that bad.
I live in one of the nicest and safest neighborhoods in America, and I’m a 15 minute drive away from the ocean.
I’m drinking way less and way less often right now than I ever have in my entire life.
I haven’t had a cigarette in a year and two months.
I haven’t vaped in like three months.
I am furthering myself through education and prepping myself for one of the best jobs I will have ever had.
I’ve proven my brain still works just fine.
Even though I’ve lost quite a few friends recently, I’ve proven to myself that I’m still capable of making new friends, and I am surrounded with good people who care about me and want to see me doing well and thriving…I seriously have such a great community.

I’m fucking proud of myself.

I’m the nicest and most loving I’ve ever been in my entire life…so like, maybe I don’t like my lack of creativity on these meds…but maybe I actually do like who I am right now.

I’m someone that I would actually be friends with, to be completely honest.

It’s so funny how sometimes all it takes is a paradigm shift to see things in a clearer light…and once you start looking at things clearly, it’s almost impossible not to be grateful.

Maybe the people who’ve left me recently did so with good reason…and maybe they were supposed to go…

…lately I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m wondering if Brittany was ever even that good of a friend to me, or if I just care about her so much that I was okay being treated like shit?

Did she treat me like shit?
I mean…can I honestly say that she ever treated me like a real person?

Did Golnar ever actually treat me like a real person?
Am I okay with losing her as a friend too?
I think I am.

I’m at this point in my life where I’m so busy…between work and school…maybe I don’t have time for friends right now.

I mean, new friends…or friends that aren’t family.

Monday, I went and hung out with my friend Amy and her husband, and their little one…two year old little Rambo…he’s such a baller.
Amy is pregnant and ready to pop, they’re going to have a little girl and I’m so excited.
They call me “Uncle Dane”.
I have been friends with Amy for almost 15 years now…it’s fucking crazy to think about…she’s Deanne’s older sister, which means I’ve been friends with Deanne for almost 15 years now.

I was over at their moms house on Monday because that’s where Amy is staying…and her mom came and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me she loved me…and then told me that Deanne has mentioned how depressed I’ve been, and she told me that I’m always in her prayers…it meant so much to me.

Then I helped her step dad and her husband build these planter boxes…which was super cool…I almost never get to do “man shit”, so it was cool to do man shit.

It’s just amazing to make connections like that with people…like, how random to meet someone when you’re a teenager, and then just remain friends with them throughout your entire life…and eventually become part of the family…

I am a grateful mother fucker right now.

I have a lot to feel lucky about.

This morning, my baby sister came and woke me up at 7:30 with a surprise hug…I guess she just got into town last night with her boyfriend and another couple…it was such a nice surprise. I love that little girl so much.

I mean…I guess she’s 23 now…but she’ll always be my baby sister.
I have loved that little girl so fiercely from the first moment I ever laid eyes on her…we have always had a special bond. She’s one of those people that I have known before in a past life…which is strange, because the only other person in my family that I feel that way about is my mom, and my mom and Bo have absolutely no relation…although they know eachother and love eachother somehow…it’s amazing.

The way life works out is just simply amazing.

It’s too much for me sometimes.

Sometimes, I think the reason why I even get depressed in the first place is because I am so overcome with moments of beauty, and I have no way of holding on to it…so it just passes through me, like trying to hold on to smoke…and I get so sad that I can’t integrate it and make it become a part of who I am.

The fleeting nature of existence really fucks me up sometimes.

…

I think that Math teacher finally kind of got the hint that I’m not interested…and I feel like a dick, but she wanted to hang out this week and I really just haven’t had the time, and she was texting me a little bit and I wasn’t really engaged with her texts…and I think she finally just kind of got the picture that I’m not super interested…

I wish I would have handled that better…like, been more upfront about my feelings regarding the situation, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t totally know what my feelings are on the situation…like, I was still kind of feeling her out, and I felt like she was rushing things, and moving so fast…it didn’t really give me time to get my bearings.

It’s okay…I really don’t think I have time.

I was just about to deactivate my profile on this dating for wizards and witches that I’m on, and suddenly this 23 year old red-head hit me up from out of nowhere…so I messaged her back a bit, and she thinks I’m really cool for some reason? It’s weird…it’s really weird…but she makes youtube videos, and she added me on Instagram, and I’ve watched some of her youtube videos…and she’s actually really funny and cool…and I’m just sitting here so super confused, like…what the fuck does this woman see in me?

My mom said that 23 and 33 isn’t too big of an age gap…but I dunno.
Then one of my favorite co-workers told me it’s not that big of an age gap today…but I dunno.

I really don’t think I have the time.

I sent her a video of one of my favorite Dane and the Death Machine songs last night…so we’ll see…she hasn’t responded yet…maybe she hates it…maybe she’ll think I’m a freak…maybe she won’t ever talk to me again…and then I can go back to getting fat off of Del Taco and IPA’s.

That can be my life, just being happy and full and drunk and hairy and fat…and I can just wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Also, I should probably have at least three cats and be covered in cat hair…oh, and maybe a dog too…so I can also be covered in dog hair…that sounds like the dream.

…

Have you ever listened to Brand New?
Don’t you just love them?
Jesse Lacey is such a piece of shit…I swear to god, in my 20’s it felt like he was writing the soundtrack to my life…every song I could have written…every word was one of my thoughts.
It hurts to listen to now…but it hurts in such a great way.

…

Anyway…

I think I’ve said enough.
I’ve spilled enough.
Want to hear my favorite song in the entire world?
I’ll bet you do…

The last time I shared it with someone, I don’t think they truly appreciated it…I think it only has like a thousand views on youtube…and on spotify they only have like a thousand spins…it’s my best kept secret.

Maybe I will keep it a secret.
I love you, I really do, but right now I don’t know if I trust you so much.
Is that fucked up?
It probably is…I’m sorry, I’m just being honest.

You know, as well as I do, we’ve gone through a bit of a rough patch this last week.
I’m sorry, it’s probably not even you, it’s me.
I’ll share it with you soon.
I promise.
I do love you.
I swear.
I’m sorry to be like this…but I guess I need to have boundaries, you know?
I hope you understand.
I know you do.
We’re going to be okay.
I promise.
-Dane