There's no such thing as reality. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

The people at CERN just fired off some neutrinos that traveled to their destination 60 nanoseconds faster than light particles.

Everything you have ever been taught about the physical world is wrong.

That’s okay though…you probably already knew that on some fundamental level.

The universe is holographic and this entire thing is the product of code.

But you already knew that.

I was on a date with this girl once and she said she was a realist.
How funny is that?

Sometimes, I think the only reason I even date anyone at all is just to find a replacement for the love of my mother that I feel I never got.

It’s kind of like having a sex dream about a member of your family…it’s just weird and confusing…but at the time it all makes sense.

I feel like that’s how most of life works…it just makes sense at the time…but none of it actually makes sense, and that’s why you spend so much time in the past and the future and never in the moment.

The moment always makes sense…and as soon as that moment passes you have this realization of “what the fuck just happened?” and you sit and dwell on it for an eternity because there aren’t any answers.

Have you ever noticed how every “answer” you’ve ever received was just hundreds of questions dressed in a disguise…like a bunch of kids in a trench coat trying to sneak into a theater?

You gotta see that Rated “R” movie…you gotta see those titties…you gotta hear those “fuck” words…it’s all part of growing up.
Smoke those bubble gum cigarettes.
Smoke those real cigarettes behind the 7-11 after your older step brother literally kissed the feet of a stranger…a stranger who looked like an adult, but now that you look back on it that mother fucker was probably only 18…19 at the most…and he made your older step brother kiss his dirty ass shoes for a couple of smokes…and he did it…he kissed those shoes, and then he gave you a cigarette, and you didn’t even cough the first time you inhaled that mother fucker because you’re a tough little fuck…you had already survived a disgusting amount of sexual and physical abuse at this point…what the fuck was a little poison smoke to you?
Besides…don’t you want to die anyway?

It’s like the first time you got arrested.
The first time you got arrested was a true test of your character…because you got away, didn’t you?
You were 12 years old and you and some of your friends had stolen a few bottles of liquor from the adults and you were walking around the neighborhood plastered and singing at the top of your lungs and someone called the cops…and when you saw the cops you all ran…and the fuck of it all is that you got away.
But your best friend didn’t…you know he got caught, and he was spending the night at your house…and you went back for him…you saw him sitting on the curb, you saw the flashing lights…your leg was bleeding from where you ran into a barbed wire fence in the dark…you still have a scar from that…you went back for him and you turned yourself in.

That was the first time you got handcuffed…the police slammed you down on the hood of the car by the chain of the handcuffs…your wrists hurt for days afterwards…

…your best friend wasn’t allowed to hang out with you anymore after that because his mom was scared…he was a little black kid in a backwards community and she didn’t need him running around with more trouble than he already attracted just by being himself in a racist place.

That was the last time you ever saw him.

You have deserved it every time someone has left your life, you piece of shit.

…you piece of shit…

Remember when you actually believed you were a piece of shit?

Remember how you’ve been working so hard these last years to define yourself as something else?

Remember your mantra? “I am full of light and love…I am full of light and love…I am full of light and love…I am full of light and love.”

Remember how when you told your last therapist that you had adopted that as your positive affirmation she told you to stop being sarcastic…she told you if you weren’t going to take her exercises seriously than there was no point in you being here?

She left you too, didn’t she?

You fucking deserved that one too…you fucking piece of shit.

“So, if I’m a liar and you’re a thief, at least we both know where the other one sleeps, so let’s end this tonight.”

Have you ever thought highly of yourself? “You mean, when I wasn’t manic?”
Yeah “no”

…

It’s funny…how I’ve worked so hard, and it all feels like spinning in circles, doesn’t it?

I know what you all think…I’m a crybaby…I am the captain of my own ship…I am a fuck up and a dumbass…these are my terrible choices, to make my terrible bed, and to sleep in it.

It’s okay.

I am used to being judged.

Did you know my name in Hebrew means “God has judged”?

I am used to it.

I was literally given the name “God has judged” on purpose…my mother knew exactly what the fuck I am.

…do you know what I am?

Do you know where I have been?

Have you ever been five years old and made to drink the piss straight out of a cock while bending over a toilet until your mouth fills up and the piss spills down your shirt?

Have you ever been six years old and picked up by your neck so hard that the fingernails made you bleed, and you were thrown against the wall from five feet something inches above the ground, and then beaten mercilessly, and then the cuts on your neck from the fingernails got infected and your mom has to lie to the fucking doctors about what happened because she’s either scared or embarrassed or complacent?

Have you ever, as a full grown adult, had a psychotic break that lead to the police breaking into your room and giving you the choice of either jail or an ambulance ride…and after spending the night in suicide watch a team of doctors recommend that you fill out the paperwork to go on disability and move into a group home?

Yeah…I’m sure you have, actually…because this is a cool society where people love to be victims....and everyone has a story…and it’s all bad…it’s all fucking bad…all of it is fucking bad, right?

That’s why the ball is in my court, right?

That’s why I’m being a dumbass…that’s why I’m just not looking at things positively enough.

The power is all in my hands…I can change my reality whenever I’m ready, all I have to do is accept it…but apparently I love to feel bad, so I just keep myself here…that’s what it all comes down to…I’m just keeping myself here…because I love to feel bad…I love it…and I’m stupid…I’m a fucking dumbass.

Boohoo, poor me.
Everyone has it bad, asshole.
Life is hard, asshole.
Why don’t you cry about it?

Have you even met reality?

Do you even know that you can just change your thinking, and reprogram your brain, and stop self medicating, and everything will be so much better for you?

Why don’t you do those things, asshole?

Why don’t you just be fucking normal and sober you fucking dumbass, because shit is about to hit the fan, don’t you know?

Can you even hear God anymore?
God loves you…but with conditions…and if you’re not the way he wants you…well, then, you’re shit out of luck mother fucker, because shit is about to get bad.

haha.

Shit is about to get bad.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

shit is about to get bad, mother fucker…hahaha…it’s going to be so bad…hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…say goodbye to your easy little life you dumbass mother fucker.

Get ready for the thunderdome, bitch.

Shit is going to hit the fan, dumbass.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

..

I honestly don’t even know if I love you right now.
I don’t even know if you love me.
Maybe it’s better I save the energy, because shit is about to get bad.
Bring it on.
I hope it kills me.

-Demahsa