Part 3 can wait... Down in the dumps today. in Life as I know it...

I've been chronicling the story regarding myself and J for the last 2 days, but part 3 is going to have to wait for a while, because my first major obstacle has since leaving the clinic has risen. I am not exactly doing well. Feeling incredibly lonely, forgotten and depressed. My depression isn't anywhere near the danger mark, but it is still draining the energy from me and I am having extremely crazy and at times scary dreams. Things that don't really make sense, but are usually dark. I can feel myself being pulled back into the hole again. I just need to keep holding on for 2 more weeks until my new job finally starts. The opening has already been delayed for 2 weeks and hearing that it is going to be delayed for 2 more is proving to be a big challenge for me.

It is once again proving to me that I do not have anybody to talk to, spend time with or turn to when I am in need of help. This is a big reason behind the creation of this diary in the first place. I have one person I can describe as being a good friend. She has also had her struggles and we used to talk and spend time together when she was not doing well, but now that she is doing better and ventured back into life more, I have been pushed aside. I haven't heard from her in over a week and decided to text her this morning on WhatsApp. I greeted her and she immediately replied with nothing but a smiley. I asked her how she was doing, but it seems like I wasn't the person she was hoping/expecting to be the sender of the message. Haven't heard anything further. This is something that really hurts me, as it has happened before. I refer to it as being a "stepping stone". Once the person feels good, happy and ready to go out there again, I am forgotten and pushed away. It's not like I'm the only one who considers us to be best friends, as she has told me many times before that I am one of her best friends, even not the best. It seems like now that she has found new people I'm not good enough anymore.

This is another reason why I generally hate people. They can be so hurtful, shallow, unappreciative and depressing sometimes. I have nobody to talk to and I am alone for the next 2 weeks, with nothing to do except designing new items and testing new recipes, which I have been doing the entire time and I am getting sick of. So my day pretty much consists of waking up, having breakfast, training, showering and then just preparing my meals at the right times throughout the days. I have watched all the wrestling videos, documentaries, interviews and podcasts that I have and I have now decided to start watching some Yu Yu Hakusho Anime and I'm flying through these episodes as well, while refreshing my Facebook page after every episode to see if someone has miraculously decided to contact me. Tonight my stepsister and 2 of her new uni friends are coming over to stay here so they can go party in town, so I'll probably be hiding from them. Too much anxiety and fear of judgement.

So anyway, here I am, waiting for my new job to start. A job that I am so happy I was offered, because it was exactly the one I was hoping to get and I am so excited about, but the excitement has been slightly worn out due to all the delays. I even said a prayer a day or two ago. Not to anybody in particular, as I am an Agnostic, but just putting it out there in case something or someone hears it. I think I addressed it to "The Powers that Rule the World", if there is anything like that. sigh I'm just so fucking tired of this. I started the year off on a positive note and I fought through the sadness and depression of a break-up, which I'm still sort of doing, and made really positive life changes, but I fear things are going downhill. I even bought a packet of ciggies last night while feeling particularly frustrated, furious and lonely. Now my mind is telling me that I'm going to be less fit, struggle through my workouts, gain weight and get fat. Don't you just love the human mind?

Have a lovely day Adriaan