poke poke in tak faham

This was going to be a whole entry about how offended I was by this acupuncture episode. Well that's still going to be complaints about that, but I have to admit that I feel better today than I have in....several months. Maybe since like last year. I was super cynical about it but I'm thinking it might actually work.

Well I feel better in the sense that I feel more awake, less stressed, and happier.Who knows if that has anything to do with the needles or if I would have been like this anyway.

The problem was this though. I got acupuncture for free because I wrote my friend's art history paper...AT THE MASTERS LEVEL MIND YOU. I write papers for other people and they pay me. It's what I can do. It's my only talent. This one was only 2,400 words but for something I know nothing about it took me a while.

Since she has no money, rather than paying me the 10 cents per word I usually charge she was going to give me free acupuncture. I was like ok sounds fair that shit is pretty expensive I assume.

So she came over to my apartment and I invited my friend Jonas because he was the one who introduced me to this girl anyway so I figured he deserved some acupuncture too.

My problem was after spending 20 minutes on intake questions where she asked me more shit than they ask you at the fucking gynecologist, while all the while criticizing me for not using my tongue scraper enough and eating too much instant ramen. It's like bitch you did not go to medical school of even dental school. You went for fucking massage therapy you are not allowed to scold people for being unhealthy.

Oh and then she talked about how she used to massage at the Trump Towers and all the famous people she has massaged. BITCH PLEASE.

I could never massage. I would never want to be in that kind of position of servitude.

Then she asked me if I had a chief complaint and I told her that I really fucked up my lower back somehow by sleeping weird. I tried sleeping with a pillow between my legs just because I thought it felt nice, then the next day my lower back, ass, and upper thighs were killing me. WTF

So she was like "OK great we'll take care of that."

Then she went on to try and take my pulse. I think I scared the shit out of her because she couldn't find my pulse and it took her forever. Maybe I am actually dead.

Then she kept saying shit like "I know you are nervous. It's going to be ok." And I'm like "Uh..Ok?" I was really not nervous AT ALL. I kept wondering what made her think I was terrified. I have gotten tattoos and shots both using bigger needles than what she was going to stick in me. Who gives a shit? And then I was like "Nah its fine really I have been told by many it doesn't hurt" and she goes "YES IT DOES! I mean it can."

i was like..."Uh..." Who says that!? YES THIS IS GOING TO HURT!!!

And no it totally didn't. In fact it felt good. What pissed me off was this;

She only gave me 7 needles. 2 in the left ear, one below each thumb, one between each big toe and the rest, and one between the eyes. NONE IN THE AREA WHERE I HAD PAIN. I thought it was just a warm up, so after she took those out I was like "K now what!?" And she was like "You're all done! Now that wasnt so bad was it!?"

Excuse me. I wrote you a 2400 word analysis about fucking Lorenzo Lotto's Venus and Cupid (The painting of the little boy peeing on the naked woman) FOR SEVEN NEEDLES. DO YOU THINK IT WAS FUN TALKING ABOUT PEE FOR 2400 WORDS!? I GET SEVEN FUCKING NEEDLES AND NONE IN THE AREA WHERE I EVEN HAD PAIN. UNFAIR TRADE OFF.

I think I am going to ask her for another appointment. Better yet, I'll go on an acupuncture website and see how much it costs for 7 needles. (Or if anyone knows these costs, let me know!)

I feel good but my stupid back pain is still here. Maybe she was afraid of my butt.

By the way, I asked Jonas how many needles he got - 8. Mother fucker got one more needle than me and he didn't even write a paper.