Over my head in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I guess I haven’t written anything in a while…I guess I should write something.

Class is good…kind of, I mean…I’m kind of feeling like I’m in way over my head, but it turns out everyone else in class is feeling the same way right now, so that makes me feel a lot better. I talked to my instructor and he told me that the things we’re learning took him a year to get a firm grasp on and he doesn’t expect any of us to get it in two weeks, but it’s more about giving us a foundation that we can grow from over the next year or two…or until we die.

I built this dating app last week and it was fucking intense…we had to build our own server to run it on, build our own database, write all of the logic for it…it’s pretty intense, but at this point I know that I can create a fully functional self contained app.

Apparently we just went from software developers to software engineers with this last project.
All that really means is that we can make a shitload more money…like an extra 100K, so that’s cool…I guess?

I keep thinking once I start making more money, women will actually be interested in me.
It’s a shitty reality.

Speaking of women being interested in me…Math teacher just got home from her 17 day travels in Egypt and Greece and she’s wanting to hang out with me…and I’m feeling really ambivalent about the whole thing…and I don’t know how to tell her, and I feel like I have to tell her soon because she’s acting like she’s REALLY into me.

I think I managed to put a little distance between us though, she asked me if I wanted to hang out tonight and I told her I already had plans to eat some mushrooms and take a nature walk, and then I invited her to eat some mushrooms with me, which she declined…and I knew she would decline…I know she doesn’t roll like that, so I was hoping maybe it would give her a better clue that we’re not really compatible.

I like to explore the outer edges of reality…she considers herself “a realist” whatever the fuck that means.

I should just ask her to define reality and see what she says.

…

Yesterday I ate a mushroom, just a little micro-dose…and I walked around in the sunshine. It was so hot, but it was beautiful…I kept trying to meditate and focus on my relationship to alcohol and why I keep coming back to it when I know it’s so destructive to the infrastructure of my life…but I kept getting distracted by the butterflies, and the sounds of the birds, and the feeling of the grass between my toes…and I finally just decided that maybe the gift of this little trip was just being in the moment…I spend very little time in the moment, I need to become better at that.

I used to spend all of my time in the past....but lately it’s all about the future.
I keep fast-forwarding my life until the end, and I see my death, and it makes me feel like everything I do is pointless.

BUT…my mom gave me this book for my birthday, it’s pretty insane…it’s basically outlining all of the things about the spirit world that the “inter-dimensional beings” or “angels” that I’ve encountered in my life have told me.

It has affirmed what one of the angels told me about this being my third planet that I have ever lived on, and that I didn’t originate from earth, and that I am living these life’s as a penance for something I did…or didn’t do…

Maybe I’m not as smart as I think I am…maybe I’m only wise because I’ve been around so long, but I’m obviously a dumbass because I’ve been around so long.

…

Anyway…I need to go watch this online tutorial about a website framework called Handlebars.JS, and then I get to go to work.
Hopefully I will eat something at work.
I haven’t been eating lately.
I haven’t had a drink in almost a week…this is day seven, I think?
No drinking…no eating.
Trying to lose some weight I guess…the doctor told me I am six pounds overweight, so I’ll just starve those six pounds off…actually, I think I lost them already in a week, when I stop drinking I lose weight so fucking fast…even Golnar was like, “Holy shit dude, it’s been what, 3 days? You already look so much better!”

Because my face was all bloated from my two month bender.
Cool stuff.
Getting older is so cool.

Anyway.
I love you.
Thanks for being here for me.
-Dane