Today was a scary day in Vulnerability

Oh fuck, today scared me. I haven’t had a mentally scarring day like this in some time, and I’m thankful.

I’m currently writing this at the gym on the cycle. I did my warm-up on the row as usual, and I’m about to jump back into my routine. I just needed to write something down. Mental health was just beyond fucked today. The idea is that a combination of exercise and writing will hopefully keep the demons at bay. Plus it’s midnight. After this I’ll be going home for (hopefully) a good sleep.

Last night, I slept diagonally across my bed, with my head on the opposite pillow to my usual. Not sure why or how I didn’t subconsciously move back to my usual groove side during my slumber, but whatever. Could something as simple as that been the first domino in how I was feeling today?

Everything negative was compiling up on me. Anthony moved out yesterday (yet another housemate Andrew is replacing) and he’s already decided on the next one. Kurt apparently already “knows” him from out on the scene, but doesn’t know him any way but socially. Andrew also stated that when this guy moves in, it’ll be him against three Saggitarian’s (You know him and his obsession with Starsigns).
So I’m surprised he’s even going along with this.
When I stated that I’m hardly a typical Saggitarius, he went on to say that apparently Kurt “did” my chart (whatever that means) and there are apparently four sub-sections of Saggitarius. Lolz. So because the traits of a Saggitarius don’t fit me, they need to create subsections which suddenly explains my “reclusiveness”.

Reclusiveness. Lovely.

To me it’s just Andrew’s typical patronising behaviour. If you don’t fit into his (and let’s face it, his views are pretty fucked-up) idea of how things should be, you automatically get labelled.

So anyway, today my brain just went into overdrive and didn’t let up. I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts at all, but I was certainly beating myself up. I work so fucking hard at work and don’t get much recognition for it. And last week was especially fucked since Splendor In The Grass was on down South, which means we had NO staff because all our staff are young people who’d much rather have the time of their lives at a music festival, popping pills and having sex in tents. I mean, who wouldn’t?

But I’m so past that, at nearly 35. And living with socialite housemates and a landlord who still thinks he’s 18 makes me feel completely pathetic. I live in an all-day house and never go out. I mean never. The idea of it just brings on anxiety. I can’t dance, I barely drink, and I’m not good at talking to people, especially strangers. I’m amazed I’ve made it this far in life to be honest.
Sure I can talk to customers at work but that’s because I like to help people and it’s my job. But when it comes to real life, I’m just useless.

So, I’m now at a crossroads. I went on real-estate.com.au and looked at 1-bedroom rentals. It’d be a fucking struggle, as I’d be spending half my wage on rent each week, but it could be either a nightmare or the seachange I need. I’ve lived in the house going on 11 years now, and with the gazillionth housemate on the way, I feel it’s time to let Andrew do what he does and get another twink housemate in so he can keep living his delusional life.
Andrew knows well that I’m pretty over living there after so long. It shouldn’t be a surprise if I bite the bullet and tell him I’m going. I have no idea why he’s kept me around this long. I am certainly no longer ‘new energy’ in the house.
I’m boring and should move out to the suburbs.

So anyway, given my mood, I typed in the address of the rental I thought looked okay and I went to have a look at the area. I wanted to see what sort of stores are around it etc. It was a half-hour walk, so still doable to get to work and back without a car, although to afford the rent comfortably, I may have to ‘invest’ in a car and take up Ubering lol.
Anyway, I went there and they have a sign out the front advertising rentals, so that’s promising. Or… the landlord is shit and that’s why it’s vacant lol. See where my brain was going today?
Then I thought to myself, “Well if something miraculous happens and I get a boyfriend (HA!), then the rent would certainly be doable.”
The property is also pet friendly, so that’s quite appealing. If have to clarify if it just means birds and cats, as I’ve always wanted a doggo and a kitty. But yeah, I dunno. Maybe I should bite the bullet and ring the real estate for an inspection. It could be a good time of year to apply (less competition?). There is a lot of construction still going on in this city. Maybe I could sign a 6-month lease and see how I like living by myself and if I can do it. I can see it would be doable, and maybe it would be worth it for my mental health and a seachange. But apartment living probably comes with its own set of issues.

I worry because they say that rental-stress occurs if one’s rent is over 30% of one’s wage, which this would be lol, but the place has a gym, a pool, a good view of the city from the rooftop terrace, is fairly new… It’s unfurnished and the pics in the website are only indicative, so I’d have to clarify what that is. Some pics have a fridge, others don’t. It says a laundry is included in the description. I’d have to inspect to find out.

I feel like it’s time to grow up and be an adult. Go back to working full-time, not having as much time to think and therefore have these put-doen thoughts. More money but more rent means less savings, which in turn means I’d be at home more cos I wouldn’t want to spend money. Which would mean thoughts and living by myself… man, could I do it? Would I get lonely? I’m pretty independent as it is. Today I couldn’t even face my housemates. I barricaded myself in my room with snacks and held off using the bathroom until they’d gone to bed. I’ve started playing Uno on Facebook and I even PayPal’d $9 for extra coins.
This is what it’s come to. Actually paying money for stupid shit like virtual UNO! Fuck. Me.

The upside of remaining where I am is I can save. And at my age, it’s time to try for the house deposit. Otherwise the bank will look at me and decide I’m too old and will kick the bucket before the 25-30 years are up.

My manger asked me yesterday if the grocery manager had spoken to me about rosters yet. I said that no he hadn’t, but something must be changing shortly. I’ve loved my current roster for a few years now, but it might be time to stop resisting change. I feel like I should see what my roster is like before jumping the gun on moving out. But man, it’s damn tempting.

Maybe I should keep my eye out for other places. There wasn’t much around this place I looked at, other than a Subway, a sushi place, a coffee shop and a brownie shop directly across the road. That won’t end well lol.

I gotta keep working out. My stomach is annoyed at me for feeding my depression and eating nothing nutritious whatsoever today. I just needed to get something down on paper and try to make some sense of today and to try and have some hope for the immediate future.

Not the greatest of days. Stupid head.