A Sad Comedy of Horrors in General Mental Anesthesia

Quick health update (No holds barred) then on to something completely different.

Every day seems to take forever and time is just flying by.

I finished the antibiotic (Augmentin) Damn, that was rough. The Dr. warned me that it might turn my poop into soup and with the ulcerative colitis… well.. I was a human paint sprayer!

I have to find ways to incorporate humor because I was also crying out in unbelievable pain! Speaking of which, I’m terrified about having c-diff for the 3rd time. My overall (uc) pain has increased dramatically. Now, part of that is the weaning down of Prednisone, but the other day I had a contraction so severe that I was paralyzed and screamed out. (I might as well have given birth to something!!!) That took a few minutes, then over the last two days or so (without me getting into the gory details) c-diff symptoms have shown up. That doesn’t mean I have it, because c-diff symptoms are very similar to uc symptoms (just worse) but I am afraid. I’m tired of living in hospitals and do you know what??? My fucking cough hasn’t improved!!!! Ok, maybe 6%.

These guys should pay me with how much I’ve had to spend on them. It’s the only relief that I get, temporary as it is…

What the hell do I do? No one seems to be able to figure it out and without health insurance I can’t keep being the guinea pig bouncing around from Dr. to Dr. while they tinker with this and that. It’s the classic ‘stuck between a rock and a hard place’ only my life is on the line.

Every time I go to my primary care it’s $95.00. More tests, like the H-Pylori they want me to have done costs money, prescriptions cost money and in a few days time, I don’t know where I’ll be living or if I’ll be living anywhere. So any money has to go into survival, no? I have to eat, not just for the sake of eating, but I need to take most of my meds with food.

I have a GI appt coming up… $319.00 Yeah right, I have to cancel that, you can’t squeeze blood from a stone. Besides, if I’m hospitalized for the umpteenth time, they can treat me there!

Alright, so maybe that wasn’t quick.

I passionately despise journaling btw… I go into detail about that in one of my book covers on here or whatever it’s called. Blogging I’m fine with, but on here or OD etc… you ever just stop and think: “Why am I talking to myself?”

But I digress, you know what else has been well… depressing me lately?

I’ve been in the film / photography line of work for a long time now. As some of you know, due to my failing health I had to sell off most of my belongings including my 2 very nice camera lenses, but here’s what you don’t know…

Filming a TV sitcom pilot on multiple Black Magic cameras. (Three in total)

When I was living in South Florida, I had many ups and downs, but before I left I was doing well. I had my own place, working for various clients, doing real estate photography and videography, photo shoots, actors auditions, working at the Abyss Theater (writing / directing / filming / photography, editing and sfx) and I had other related work not to mention all the hours I spent volunteering with the EWA trying to help make a difference in the fragile ecosystem of the Florida Everglades.

A painful memory. Here I’m volunteering with the Everglades Wildlife Alliance the day after I hurt my right ankle / foot working a paid gig the night before. Little did I know that all day I was limping around on two torn tendons in my right foot. Yes, it hurt, A LOT but I suffered through. It wasn’t until a week later that I went to the hospital because it was getting worse and not a bad sprain like I originally thought.

I wasn’t making a killing, I was still a starving artist (literally) but throughout it all (other than my special effects make up, editing laptop and tripod) most of the gear I used was either borrowed or rented.

Setting up for promotional shots for the Theater of Vampires: Trial of Lucius vampiric transmedia theatrical event.

A couple shots of cast members.

Me, directing / explaining to one of the actors how I’m going to set up the shot and where he’ll be standing etc…

One of the shots

A shot of Nosferatu

If you want to see more, you can check out my PB entry on the show here: Theater of Vampires: The Trial of Lucius

Imagine having to rent a car to get to work, everything you make goes toward paying the rental, that was me.

I had finally scrimped and saved enough to buy my camera the Canon 5d M III in June 2016 (I wanted the Nikon D810 (now the D850) but it was $600 more. June 2016 was the month that after 8 months of suffering through the beginning stages of this ulcerative colitis flare up (actually there is no beginning, it just hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere) but by June I was so sick and in so much pain, that I was forced to stop working. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t do anything.

That’s when I came to North Carolina to be with family and hopefully get better, though I didn’t want to. I had forced myself to work through unimaginable sickness because I was living paycheck to paycheck and leaving in the middle of it all hurt. (Again, for those whom have been following me) you know how that’s turned out.

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Things got so bad that I could never go back. I ended up losing my home, my car and I never got to use my Canon professionally since the day I purchased it. That makes me the saddest; it’s incredibly, incredibly depressing.

Sadly, this was not my car, but I got to film and photograph it when I worked with Fox Sports on the TV show “Shut Up and Drive”.

I worked so hard, I spent all that money (and I literally emptied my bank account to buy that camera) because my thought process was that not having to rent as much that I’d be able to keep more of my income which at the time was steady. So much for planing for the future.

I invested in myself and my body metaphorically kicked me in the crotch. Not a day goes by when that doesn’t bother me.

Even if my health improved
Even if I had my camera lenses
Even if I were capable of working again

I’d still have to rent a damn car to get wherever I need to get to!

Life is unfair and unjust.

And I don’t enjoy complaining, I see and read about so many other people suffering just as I am, and that bothers me too, more so in fact because I’m a giver and not being able to help is like a punishment. I hate to see others feel the way that I feel, no one should.

I will end this on a positive note.

Someone asked me to join a photography website, I’m on a few; because you never know who knows who and someone might catch a glimpse of your work and it may lead to positive things down the road. I need a road full of positive things, a 200k mile stretch of road, lol. I only joined 3 weeks ago, but so far it’s been good.

If you’re a member of this site (or wish to join, it’s free) You can like, comment and rate my photo’s here. That would be groovy.

My Photography Page

Mucho gracias and good luck with the number 3.