Maybe I Should Talk to a Professional (March 20, 2013) in Old OD Entries

I don't think I have been very honest with myself these past couple of weeks.

When I got the news that my father was living here in the states again I knew I was upset about it. I had a good cry and just ignored the fact for a while. He still hasn't contacted me because he doesn't have my number and I refuse to give it to him.

The honesty with myself has been lacking because I try to tell myself that I am okay. I know I'm not. For the past couple of weeks old memories have flooded my mind, the news about my father being the catalyst.

All of the negative things that have happened in my life have crept up on me. I just started to remember what my life was like before the divorce...I didn't have a care in the world...I was loved...Everyone was happy.

I started to think about the aftermath of the divorce...the fighting...the lawyers...the drinking...spending nights with people I didn't know...the violence...mom telling me she was "going away for a while".....having to take care of Lea....the hopelessness....the loneliness.

I started to think about the problems I developed as I got older. I was terribly insecure as a younger girl. I was teased by my peers a lot for whatever reason. I was molested and I developed an eating disorder as a result of it when I was 12. In my mind I thought that if I purged all my guilt and shame would go away. My Jr. high years were the worst...all the moving and the depression...I never could talk to anyone because I was expected to be able to deal with it. I never had any emotional support. I had my friends and they sympathized and made me laugh but my situation didn't change, the numb feeling in the back of my mind was still there.

After my mind went through the past it started to go through the future. My worst fear is failure. I started to have second thoughts about everything. What if I don't do well in my classes. What if I don't get into graduate school. What if I just become one of those blank faces behind a counter with nothing to look forward to but a bitter future. I started to scold myself for having all of these thoughts. Just suck it up. What the hell is wrong with you? It's in the past. Let it go.

Just all these thoughts have slowly developed ever since last month. I thought I had put them behind me but I guess not. I wish he had never come back. I would still be in the dark about my state of mind...I preferred it that way.

I have good times during the day. Nothing usually crosses my mind other than what I need to study, lecture notes, and conversation. But when I lie my head on my pillow at night and I have no one to distract me from my own thoughts I think of the worst possible memories. I try to ignore them and push them out of my head but they won't go away. I am desperate for a release from my own thoughts.

I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want my thoughts ruining my good moments here. I want to be happy again.