He's Back (February 25, 2013) in Old OD Entries

I got some news today that I don't know how to describe or how to express.

My father, whom I have not seen in ten years has come back to the states from Mexico and wants to see me and my little sister.

My little sister told me this today. I just didn't know what to think. Apparently a friend of my mom's saw him in a bar and he talked to her for a long time and told her how much he missed me and Lea. Lea is all for seeing him, my mom is still a little tentative. I am just completely shocked at the fact that he even thinks that I want to see him.

He left me when I was 8! I understand that you don't want to be with my mom, but I am your child and you are supposed to love me unconditionally and stay in my life, or at least give me a call now and then and pay child support. No, not my dad he just left and never came back. No visits, no phone calls...nothing.

Why would I want to see him? What the fuck would I even say? What would he say?

I just have so many emotions running through me. I cried when I heard the news, my first real cry in a long time. The problem was that I didn't understand what emotion I was crying out of. I didn't know if I was angry, sad, happy...I just couldn't name it.

He is the reason I am the way I am. It was his mistake that became my burden! He left us with nothing! My mom started to drink and made some very bad choices because she was so upset about what had happened. My little sister who was 5 at the time just cried herself to sleep every night. It was because of him that I had to grow up faster than other kids. He is the reason I have such a hard time trusting people...especially when I get into relationships...I have commitment issues...I keep myself distant and the person who loves me ends up getting hurt because I can't show love in the right way...or even at all. I hate that about myself...not being able to open up to another person.

Why would I want to be in the same room with someone who cheated on my mother and broke her heart. Why would I want to be around a man who could just leave his children without so much as a phone call. One who fucked all our lives! Who the fuck does he think he is just coming back into my life again!

If I were to see him I would be putting myself in too vulnerable of a position...probably the biggest one I will ever be in. I know that if I go with my little sister...(who was the biggest daddy's girl ever) that she will cry and then I will cry. I don't want to cry in front of him. He doesn't deserve any emotion from me. I might in the moment forget what happened and I don't want to do that. He should have to suffer for what he did. He doesn't deserve any respect from me, nor any love. I became a better person without him anyway.

However, there still is that little part of me that wants to ask if he regrets what he did, and wonders what he wants to say to me. What could he say? Should I see him to let him get a word in?

...I just don't know.