Untitled. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Yesterday I had a surprise birthday party at work…it was pretty amazing.
One of my favorite people in the entire world orchestrated the entire event…she set up the whole table and got me a bunch of presents and a cake and a pinata, and it was all Ninja Turtle themed, with aliens and skateboards…it was pretty much amazing.

I have never had a surprise party before, so that was a nice thing to have happened.

Maryann even called Golnar and had her come, which was fucking incredible, and then Golnar took me out to our favorite restaurant and we got a couple of beers and the bartender gave me a birthday shot…she was a super cool bartender.

Then Golnar and I went and walked her dog around the neighborhood and just enjoyed the beautiful day…it was amazing.

It’s not my actual birthday until tomorrow…well, I guess it’s only like 3 hours away now…I’m not going to actually be doing anything for my birthday.

I’m going out with Deanne from some happy hour food and drinks tonight, which is close enough to my birthday that it’s kind of like celebrating on my birthday…

…tomorrow I’m just going to wake up and go to the pharmacy and then go to my old mental health clinic and maybe I’ll go to my favorite little taqueria in the area and get some tacos right on PCH and just kinda chill by the beach for a bit…and then I have class, so I’m pretty much just going to be spending my birthday doing the same shit I would do on any other Tuesday…that’s fine…I’m not worried about it. I’m not exactly amped for this birthday, 33 isn’t a milestone or anything…and I honestly don’t really put a lot of stock into holidays or special events anyway. I’m of the personal belief that every day is kind of a special event and should be treated as such, and any day that you try to put some special importance on is just a great opportunity for disappointment.

That mentality has been really rough in relationships I’ve been in…birthdays, anniversaries, holidays…I just don’t give a fuck about any of them, haha.

haha.

ha.

eff.

Anyway…I’m just checking in.
I’m trying to write to you more these days…I don’t really know why, I guess it’s because I hope you’ll remember me when I’m gone…you know they say you go through three deaths.

The first death is when you realize you’re going to die…like…when you REALLY realize that you’re going to die.

The second death is when you actually die.

The third death is when the last person that remembers you dies.

I’m going to have my third death real fast…I’m never going to have any kids and my nieces and nephews aren’t going to give a fuck about me at all once they turn into teenagers.

That’s fine.

I’ve always wished I never existed in the first place.
I’m fine getting to a point where it’s like I never existed at all.

Wow…

I really just can’t write a nice little happy entry, can I?

I’m sorry.
One of the biggest hopes that I have in this life is that one day I’ll be able to fill you up with nothing but happiness, beauty, and light.

I promise, I’m working on it.
But, until then, I appreciate that you still hang around.
Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m worthy of it all.
It’s a funny thing…to be able to dish out love, but to not be able to take it.
And I do love you.
That’s real.

Thank you for everything.
-Dane